My stomach hurts. I think I ate too fast.

You're just mad because you couldn't build a fort out of frankfurter skin. Besides,

Why couldn't we wait till later?

Gus, the cafeteria's a perfect place for checking out a woman. You can tell a lot by the way she eats—little things most people don't notice. For instance, does she yell at her friends with her mouth full? Does she tear up her napkin to make spit wads? Does she have a milk mustache? Take Roxie Lundquist. Ever notice the way she shapes her bread into little squares to form dice?

Hey, how does she do that?

Or Irene Mump. See anything funny about her?

Her hair?

No, I mean the way she eats.

But she's not eating. There's no food on her plate.

Exactly, because she already wolfed it down. Now I ask you, what kind of person finishes lunch in three minutes flat?

We did.

I'm talking about women.

Maybe she's doing a survey on men.

I can see we're starting at a pretty basic level. Okay, I'm going to give you some background information on women. You might want to take notes.

Huh? Oh, right. (He opens his notebook and pulls out a pen) Hey, did I show you my new pen? It writes in four colors. What color do you think I should use? Maybe red. It's kind of like blood. But my brother likes green. Of course, some people think blue is nicer. But black's easier to read.

Gus. Are you finished?

Red. Definitely red.

Try to concentrate.

Hey, this thing is jammed. (He fiddles with the pen, pounding it against his palm. SAMMY takes it from him, clicks it, and calmly hands it back)

Okay, first off, women tend to cry a lot.

(Writing) ... cry ... a ... lot. (He shows SAMMY the page) Is that okay?

Yeah, fine. Most of the time, all they think about is mushy, romantic stuff. They do things like write letters to Mel Gibson and memorize the words of their favorite love song. Women are always going on diets. But they have this uncontrollable urge to bake chocolate chip cookies. It's one of the mysteries of modern science. They go around in groups, so they've got somebody to listen when they think of things to say. Which is all the time. When they're not together, they use the phone. Basically, they're weak. And they're looking for somebody strong. That's where the two of us come in. Okay, got that so far?

Right.

(Looking at the notebook) What is this?

It's a rocket ship taking off into space. See, the ship's black, the earth's green, the sky's blue, and the rocket flames are red.

Gus.

This pen is great for rocket ships.

Let's try a new topic, huh?

Should I still take notes?

Yeah, but you might want to start a new page. We're going to call this "Tips for Impressing Women."

Right.

Okay, number one. Never carry an umbrella. It's a sign of weakness.

Wow, I never knew that.

Number two. Always use an after-shave. Even if you don't shave. Number three. Never say, "I don't know."

What if you don't know?

Pretend you do. Number four. Talk in a low, soft voice. This is called the Voice of Love. Women go nuts over it.

What does it sound like?

I'll do it for you later. I don't want any women bothering me right now. Number five, and this is the most important one of all. Dare to be different.

You mean wear a suit like you do?

Gus, that wouldn't be different. That would be the same.

Then how do I know what to do?

It's up to you. That's the whole point. Okay, let's get to the survey.

You want me to help?

Just take notes.

On what?

We're going to check out the women and look for things that might be important. I'll tell you, and you write it down. For instance, stuff that would drive you crazy. Like Marsha Brennamen looks fine but has a habit of picking her ear with a paper clip. Debbie Waters seems great until she laughs, then she snorts like a pig. Or that one over there. She's way too skinny. And the woman she's with. She's... (He stares, transfixed)

Sammy?

… she's beautiful.

You okay?

(Suddenly panicked) She's looking at us. (SAMMY grabs GUS's notebook and pen. He looks up at the ceiling, pointing at it and moving his mouth as if he's talking to GUS)

What are you doing?

(Out of the corner of his mouth) Just nod and smile. Pretend we're, like, student architects checking out the building.

Hey, don't chew on my pen. You might - have germs.

(Loudly) Yes, of course. I see.

You see what?

She looked away. We're clear. Come on, let's go get a candy bar.

What about the survey?

It's finished.