The Audition 13+ Yrs for 2 or 4 Players – Short Play 15 mins

2 Players:

SETTING: the office of a Hollywood movie director. There is an opened window Backstage Centre with view of mountain with HOLLYWOOD sign on it. To the Right and left of the window are movie posters of perhaps Bogart and Cagney in gangster movies. Below each poster is a filing cabinet. A desk sits Centre Stage with a pile of scripts on each side, There is a telephone on the desk.

…

DIRECTOR: (Shooting hands back into air) OK! OK! Relax.

CAT BURGLAR: Just don’t make any funny moves, or I’ll fill ya full of lead. This is a Magnum 44, the most powerful handgun in the world, and it

can shoot through trucks! Big trucks! (Phone rings and CAT BURGLAR jumps.) What was that’?

DIRECTOR: Just my phone. Can I get it?

CAT BURGLAR: (Trying to decide as the phone rings) Er? .. ooh?

DIRECTOR: I promise I won’t say anything. OK?

CAT BURGLAR: (Putting gun to DIRECTOR’s head) Just one wrong word and I …. I’ll …

DIRECTOR: Fill me me full of lead?

CAT BURGLAR: Exactly. Not a word. (DIRECTOR nods.) You  sure? This a magnum 44 and it can shoot through trucks!

DIRECTOR: No problem. Mum’s the word. (DIRECTOR walks over to the phone and picks it up.) Hello? (At that the CAT BURGLAR pushes DIRECTOR aside and tears the phone out of the wall and tosses it out the window then puts the gun to DIRECTOR’s head) Easy. Easy. What did I do?

CAT BURGLAR: (Screaming) You said ‘hello’!

DIRECTOR: Right. I just said ‘hello’.

CAT BURGLAR: Well I don’t like the way you said it!

DIRECTOR: Oh, boy. I’ve got a loony in my office with a gun. (CAT

CAR BURGLAR: rifles through scripts on desk) Hey, careful with that script, it’s my only copy.

4 Players:

CAT BURGLAR 1: (Paging through script to end ) See! It’s right here in black and white! ‘The crazy cat burglar aims gun at (both CAT BURGLARS aim guns at DIRECTOR’S & PRODUCER’S head) .. at rogue cop’s head and ..’

DIRECTOR/PRODUCER: (Screaming) Don’t shoot!

CAT BURGLAR 1 & 2: (Pull off ski masks and laugh) So … do we get the part or not?

DIRECTOR/PRODUCER: (Look at CAT BURGLARS) What?

CAT BURGLAR 1: What d’you think? How’d we do?

DIRECTOR: Wait a minute! Release us from these handcuffs. (CAT BURGLARS do. ) You crazy looneybirds.

PRODUCER: Are you the actors who were coming in today to audition for the parts of the cat burglars?!

CAT BURGLAR 1 & 2: Yep. That’s us!!!. (Puts hand out to shake, DIRECTOR shakes it weakly.)