(To Tania) Excuse me …. (no answer as Tania is engrossed in her music on headphones) EXCUSE ME!! (Tania spits her chewing gum out into her hand squashing it onto the back of her chair) … when can I expect to get a ticket?

I’m sorry madam it’s standing room only

(Tapping her hearing aid) Pardon?

(Louder) It’s standing room only I’m afraid!

Standing room only??!! Well that’s a fine thing! I’ve been standing here for 15 minutes waiting for a ticket and now you’re telling me I can’t get in?

Well, you can madam, it’s just that we need to wait until the box office work out how many more tickets they can give out for standing room.

I’m sorry, I couldn’t help overhearing, are you full again??

Yes madam, sorry

Well just how long do we have to wait

How long do you have to wait? I’m not sure madam, shall I ask?

Yes, please if you wouldn’t mind

(Indignant) What do you mean you’re not sure, I made a reservation online.

Oh, well that’s different then, can I have your name please madam

What.

Can I have your name please madam

(Louder) WHAT!

(Under her breath) Oh my god. (Louder) Your name??

Mrs What, I’ve told you 3 times already, are you deaf??

Excuse me madam, but you can’t talk to her like that it’s rude! Now then (looking at name tag) Tania. Please could you call the box office and ask them how long before we know if we can get tickets

(In a strong Spanish accent) And .. how much hit is? I have travailed from Madrid to see this show, and now you tell me I can’t ghet in, madra mia?

I’m sorry?

How much hit is, ze tiquetes place?

(Into intercom) Box office, box office? I have a queue of people here, wanting to know how long they have to wait for tickets? .. (looks at Mrs What who is giving her the ‘evils’) oh yes, and a Mrs What who says she’s booked online … Yes, … yes… ah … Ok. … They don’t know how long, and they don’t have a reservation for a Mrs What, they have one for Mrs Who, but she’s already gone in.

(In disbelief) What?

Yes!

They don’t know?? I have been invited to do write up on this show, and now you tell me I can’t get in. Don’t they know who I am??

What is your name madam?

No, What is my name!! Anyway who’s gone in?

Yes, she has Mrs What.

Stupid girl!

My name is Sheila Szekerly!! If anyone here cares!

How much hit is, ze tiquetes place? Do I gave time to go to ze vine bar for a vino?

I’m awfully sorry to interrupt, but we are all in the queue here and rather have the same problem. I suggest we get to the bottom of it. I mean, has anyone actually seen this show, is it worth seeing and waiting in line for?

(Looking at each other) No ... no

Hgi I have heard it his Fantastico!! .. even from Espana. But How much hit is, ze tiquetes place?

That’s what I’ve heard, the reviews are amazing, but how much are the tickets.

Yes, how much are the tickets

Yes, if we are going to see a show none of us have ever seen before and we’re being made to stand in line like sheep, the least we can expect is to know how much is it going to cost us??

Just a minute sir, I’ll ask … box office, box office, how much are the standing room only tickets? Uh ha .. thanks. Not much.

Not much! What kind of an answer is that? More than £10 … less the £50 .. I’m sorry but that’s just not good enough, money doesn’t grow on trees you know. We need answers, and we need them now!!

I agree, look, can’t you just find out how much it’s going to be, and how long we have to wait in line for please!!!??? I have an after show dinner appointment and really don’t want to miss it.

… and how long it will last ze show Fantastico!!??

Well, yes, that would be good to know as well please, how long does it last. It has great reviews, but we need to know how long it will last please! None of us have ever seen it before!

I … have seen it! All: (Look at each other in amazement) - (All together at different times) You’ve seen it, what’s it like, did you enjoy it, how long is it, why are you coming again, what’s it about??
It .. is .. about … (Pause) The depth of relationships, and yet … the shallowness of each individual. It’s about .. Mother - daughter relationships, … father - daughter relationships, and father - son relationships, yet not about relationships at all in the end. It’s about religion, yet also … about atheism. It’s highlights the sins of greed, and wealth, but addresses poverty and abstinence. I’ve seen it many times.

Then why are here now waiting in line to see at again?

I keep falling asleep.

What?

(Tapping her hearing aid) Yes.

Why do keep falling asleep, is it boring?

Ah, no! That’s just it. It’s the most engaging piece of theatre I’ve ever seen!

But how can zis be … you keep fall asleep!

YES! … Because it’s so relaxing, and tranquil, one can’t can’t help but be transfixed by it’s holistic view of one particular aspect of life. One feels at ease with the world and life ... most of the audience are transported in a sort of trance, to another dimension!!

What aspect of life, what dimension? I don’t understand what on earth she’s talking about, and I’m a retired Headmistress!

Yes, but what’s it about? Never mind about being transported to other dimensions, or transfixed into a slumber, what’s the story, does it have a story???

It has no story! …….. But the tale it tells, we can all relate to in our everyday lives. It’s about ... it’s about our planet, ... our species, … the animals, … the trees, but most of all … it’s about … us! You, … me, … her, … (mysteriously) and … them!

Now I need zi vino! You crazy woman, sometimes I sink me crazy, but you, super mucho!!

Right everyone. I’ve got through to the box office and they’ve told me it depends on various circumstances as to how long it lasts (Staying on intercom)

What circumstances??

Just a minute please I’ll ask , … (Into intercom) What circumstances does it depend on? … Uh ha …. On when the break is, and when it starts.

Oh, I’ve had enough of this! I’m off

.. to a vine bar? I come viz jou! Vamanos!

I’ll come back another day, I’ve got other shows and plays to see, this is just not good enough

I’m not waiting any longer, I’m off home, it was never like this in the old days ……………...

OK everyone, your tickets are ready, £5 each, please don’t push! Standing room only!!

(Pushing) This had better be worth it, £5, that’s cheap, (Brynhild) I hope I don’t fall asleep again, (Mrs What tapping her hearing aid) Pardon?? (Mercedes) I hope ze bar his still open.