Who Exactly Are You?
Two-hander · Comedy
Who Exactly Are You?
Who Exactly Are You? · Simon Law
1 / 1
Who Exactly Are You?
Published by scriptsandsketches.com
In a grand manor, a young maid named Molly faces the demanding Lady B, leading to a comical exchange filled with misunderstandings and witty retorts.
Duologue
Characters: MOLLY, LADY B
(A young woman, MOLLY in her early 20’s stands in a very large hallway of a manor house. The lady of the house, LADY BABSWORTH enters not seeing her standing there.)
MOLLY:
(Coughs) Er hem!
(Louder) Er hem??!!
(Louder) Er hem??!!
LADY B:
Do you have a cold?
MOLLY:
No m’am
LADY B:
(Abruptly) Then why are you coughing?
MOLLY:
Sorry m’am
LADY B:
Don’t be pathetic! Who exactly are you anyway?
MOLLY:
I’m the new maid m’am.
LADY B:
Well where’s the old one? What happened to her? One minute she was dusting the chandeliers, up a ladder, the next moment she’s run off, such a lazy girl, … never liked her anyway, or the one before that for that matter!
MOLLY:
I’ll try and do my best m’am
LADY B:
Your best? Your best? That’s just not good enough young lady, your best … phew, you can’t get the staff these days, now what’s your name?
MOLLY:
Molly m’am.
LADY B:
Speak up girl, I can’t hear you!
MOLLY:
MOLLY! … m’am
LADY B:
Don’t shout at me girl.
MOLLY:
Sorry m’am, I wasn’t shouting, I was projecting my voice as I thought you might be hard of hearing! (Under her breath) stupid old bat.
LADY B:
I’m sorry, what did you say?
MOLLY:
I said .. (thinking) ‘Oh what a lovely cat’
LADY B:
I don’t have a cat.
MOLLY:
It must have been a dog then, er .. it looked like a cat.
LADY B:
Looked like a cat, can’t you even tell the difference between a dog and a cat? My goodness you are a fool.
MOLLY:
(Under her breath again) At least I’m not a batty old cow!
LADY B:
Speak up girl, what did you say?
MOLLY:
I said: … ‘At last, I think the cat .. has gone now’
LADY B:
What cat?
MOLLY:
(Pointing at nothing behind LADY B) There, a cat!!
LADY B:
You said it had gone. (Looking behind her)
MOLLY:
(Hesitating) .. Yes, I know, but it’s come back, and it wasn’t a cat anyway, it was a dog, then it came back again, and .. and now it’s gone. Again!
LADY B:
(Having looked and seen nothing) Stupid girl! … Now then, I want you to start by polishing all the marble floors, then do the kitchens and bathrooms, there are 3 kitchens and 7 bathrooms, then you can do the silver, and get the dining room ready for dinner, I have 15 guests arriving this evening, so I hope you can cook!
MOLLY:
Don’t you have a cook?
LADY B:
Of course I have a cook!! It’s just that it’s ….. um … her day off!
MOLLY:
(Under her breath) Yeah right, her day off, more like she’s taken off!
LADY B:
Pardon?
MOLLY:
(Thinking again ..) Er .. Oh, I said, … ‘I’m sorry I had a cough’ (coughs falsely)
LADY B:
Oh. Well off you go then, the knee pads are in the cupboard under the stairs, with the floor wax and rags!
MOLLY:
(Under her breath) Oh man! Knee pads, floor wax and rags, silver polishing, getting the dinner ready 15 guests, 7 bathrooms, 3 kitchens, I really don’t think this is going to work.
LADY B:
Stop muttering girl, what did you say?
MOLLY:
(Getting a little fed up now) I SAID … ‘I DON’T THINK THIS IS GOING TO WORK!!’
LADY B:
Of course it will, we’ve been doing the floors that way for the past 50 years!!
