Order – Group Script
6 cast members · Comedy
Order – Group Script
Order – Group Script · Laurie Allen adapted by Simon Law
1 / 1
Order
Published by scriptsandsketches.com
At a sophisticated restaurant, MUM, DAD, and their kids, DEN and CLARE, face a dinner disaster as DAD's burger cravings clash with MUM's dining etiquette. Chaos ensues when the kids start bickering and the youngest, BARRY, innocently reveals family secrets.
Group
Characters: MUM, DAD, DEN, CLARE, BARRY, WAITRESS
MUM, DAD, DEN, and CLARE are dining out at a ‘sophisticated’ restaurant. DAD would rather have had a burger than fancy food and gets into trouble with his wife when his children start to play up!
MUM:
Well, this is very nice isn’t it?
CLARE:
I wanted to go to Burger Empire
DEN:
Here we go!
CLARE:
Oh, shut it, Den!
DEN:
Can’t eat anything unless she can pick it up with her hands!
DAD:
Will you two please stop arguing, we’re in a restaurant ... thank you.
DEN:
Like a rusk!
CLARE:
Dad! He’s picking on me again!
DAD:
Don’t you two DARE start rowing in here. Look, Marie, perhaps we should have gone to Burger Empire. I don’t want these two having a fight.
DEN:
Dad, I would never start a fight in a restaurant with my 12 year old sister
DAD:
Good man!
DEN:
I am a sophisticated teenager now
CLARE:
Yeah, right. 15’s sophisticated!
DEN:
And as such, I am quite happy to be in a sophisticated restaurant, unlike you Clare (pokes Clare)
MUM:
Which is as it should be.
DEN:
However, Clare is still a cave animal and cannot cope with cutlery.
CLARE:
I can!
DEN:
What’s cutlery then?
CLARE:
Knives and forks!
DEN:
Oh, I’m impressed! You’re getting better .. Rock-Head!! (Den goes over to Clare and gently knocks her on the head)
CLARE:
Get off me!!! … Mum!
BARRY:
(Looking at the menu) I want the tomato soup.
DAD:
There. See, your brother knows how to behave and he’s only five!
CLARE:
Yeah, but he’s reading the menu upside down!
DEN:
You noticed Clare! Another major step forward!
BARRY:
And chips, and a burger … erm and fries … and hot dog … and ice cream (cheers) .. and a chocolate brownie …. Ummm … and ... (Barry squirms wanting to go to the toilet)
MUM:
There’s a good boy! See? Barry has looked at the menu and knows exactly what he wants ready for when the waitress comes over. Unlike you two!
DEN:
Barry, if you order all that you’re going to puke!!
BARRY:
(Crying) Mummy, I don’t want to puke!!
CLARE:
Barry, do you need the toilet?? (Barry nods and is taken out by MUM who picks up a phone call and exits)
DAD:
Now, will you all please behave, this is a posh restaurant, please don’t embarrass your mother!
CLARE:
It’s not me, it’s her!! (points in Den's face, DEN slaps her finger away) Don’t touch me MORON!
DEN:
If I’m a moron, then you’re an idiot
CLARE:
Mum! Dad!! Den’s being annoying again
DEN:
Oooh, Clare, so sweet and innocent, as if butter wouldn't melt in her mouth.
DAD:
Guys, please be nice to each other, otherwise we’ll have to go home, .. er.. or to Burger Empire?!
CLARE:
Yes!!
DEN:
Come on Dad, we all know that’s where you really wanted to go in the first place.
DAD:
Well at least they have chocolate milkshakes. (Mum enters hanging up the phone) Err, did you forget something?
MUM:
Barry? Oh, he’ll be fine, he knows his way back and I can see the washrooms from here
WAITRESS:
(WAITRESS enters) Good evening. I’m Shirley. I’ll be your waitress for this evening. Are you ready to order?
MUM:
Yes, certainly ….
DAD:
I’ll have the - BURGER!!!
MUM:
Derek!! …. I’ll have the melon balls to start with, then the lemon chicken.
WAITRESS:
And for an accompaniment Madam?: Stir-fry, jacket potato, rice .. we have brown and white, coconut and plain. Potatoes . We have gratin and sauteed, and of course the triple cooked and seasoned French fries.
MUM:
Oh. Er - gosh! The fries sound really nice, don’t they?
CLARE:
(CLARE returns from the washroom) (Knowing the next bit) But I AM dieting!
MUM:
But, I AM dieting. So - jacket potato, then.
WAITRESS:
Vegetables or salad madam?
MUM:
Oh. Er - gosh! - er -
CLARE:
Salad!
MUM:
Thank you, Clare. I CAN order my own meal, you know. (to WAITRESS) Children. They’re so cheeky aren’t they?
CLARE:
But you always have salad, always.
MUM:
Perhaps I will have the stir-fry. (To WAITRESS) Is the stir-fry cooked in vegetable or olive oil?
CLARE:
Oh, man!
WAITRESS:
(Under her breath) Lard, probably ….(Aloud) I wouldn’t know, to be honest, madam. I’ll ask the chef.
MUM:
Oh, not to worry. I’ll stick to the jacket potato. Er - and I’ll have the salad.
CLARE:
Told you.
WAITRESS:
(To DAD) And for you, sir?
DAD:
Oooh, sir! I like that! You don’t get called sir at Burger Empire!
MUM:
Derek!
DAD:
Just a joke! I’ll have the deep fried mushrooms and garlic bread for starters, please.
MUM:
I don’t think so, dearest. What about the egg mayonnaise?
DAD:
I don’t want the egg mayonnaise! Marie, I’m having the mushrooms!
CLARE:
But, Dad - mushrooms make you -
MUM:
Clare!!
DEN:
They give you wind, Father. For once I agree with Clare.
DAD:
All right, all right!! I’ll have the egg mayonnaise. God!
WAITRESS:
And for your main course, Sir?
DAD:
(Sarcastically) Well, I don’t know. You’d better ask THEM.
MUM:
Derek, don’t sulk in front of the waitress, please.
DAD:
(Sulking) I’m not sulking.
WAITRESS:
Main course, Sir?
MUM:
Derek, it’s not that hard to choose from the menu
DAD:
Oh, I do have a choice now do I? (Deliberately being awkward) I don’t want one anymore.
MUM:
(To Waitress) He’ll have the same as me! Den?
DEN:
I don’t want a starter and then I’ll have the Pasta Surprise.
WAITRESS:
Is that with or without the surprise, Sir?
DEN:
Sorry?
WAITRESS:
With or without pasta, Sir?
DEN:
With, please. It’s not exactly rocket science.
MUM:
Clare?
CLARE:
I just want a burger.
WAITRESS:
I’m sorry. We only do burgers on the children’s menu.
DEN:
That’s alright. (Picking up the children’s menu) Now then. Clare. Do We want a whale-burger with fishy-dishy chips, or do we want a clown-burger with happy-face chips?
CLARE:
Mum!
MUM:
Could she have the burger with grown-up chips, please?
WAITRESS:
I’ll ask the chef (WAITRESS Exits)
MUM:
Will you all please behave, you can all be so embarrassing, and that includes you Derek!
DAD:
Me?? What have I done?? How exactly have I embarrassed you? (BARRY returns from the washroom)
BARRY:
I’ll have the tomato soup and Daddy’s tea, please.
MUM:
There’s a good boy, Barry. He said ‘please’. Daddy’s changed his mind Barry, he’s having his own tea now.
DAD:
Says who?
MUM:
Derek! Behave! Sorry, Barry? Chips, wasn’t it?
BARRY:
Yes.
MUM:
And?
BARRY:
Cacky. MUM, DAD CLARE, DEN BARRY??!!
But Daddy said it.
But Daddy said it.
DAD:
I never did!
MUM:
What did Daddy say, Barry?
BARRY:
Daddy said that he was going to have cacky for his tea here.
DEN:
(Realising the truth) Did he now? And was he talking to Clare at the time, Barry?
BARRY:
Yes. And Daddy and Clare said that they’d rather go to Burger Empire because if they came here they’d have cacky for tea. Cacky for tea and a play-up. So I’ll have cacky as well. But not a play-up because I’m a big boy now. (Silence)
MUM:
Cacky, Derek?!
