Order – 4 Players
5 cast members · Comedy
Order – 4 Players
Order – 4 Players · Laurie Allen adapted by Simon Law
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Order
Published by scriptsandsketches.com
At a 'sophisticated' restaurant, Dad's burger cravings clash with Mum's dining etiquette, leading to hilarious family banter and chaos as the kids bicker.
Group
Characters: MUM, DAD, DEN, CLARE
MUM, DAD, DEN, and CLARE are dining out at a ‘sophisticated’ restaurant. DAD would rather have had a burger than fancy food and gets into trouble with his wife when his children start to play up!
MUM:
Well, this is very nice isn’t it?
CLARE:
I wanted to go to Burger Empire
DEN:
Here we go!
CLARE:
Oh, shut it, Den!
DEN:
Can’t eat anything unless she can pick it up with her hands!
DAD:
Will you two please stop arguing, we’re in a restaurant ... thank you.
DEN:
Like a rusk!
CLARE:
Dad! He’s picking on me again!
DAD:
Don’t you two DARE start rowing in here. Look, Marie, perhaps we should have gone to Burger Empire. I don’t want these two having a fight.
DEN:
Dad, I would never start a fight in a restaurant with my 12 year old sister
DAD:
Good man!
DEN:
I am a sophisticated teenager now
CLARE:
Yeah, right. 15’s sophisticated!
DEN:
And as such, I am quite happy to be in a sophisticated restaurant, unlike you Clare (pokes Clare)
MUM:
Which is as it should be.
DEN:
However, Clare is still a cave animal and cannot cope with cutlery.
CLARE:
I can!
DEN:
What’s cutlery then?
CLARE:
Knives and forks!
DEN:
Oh, I’m impressed! You’re getting better .. Rock-Head!! (Den goes over to Clare and gently knocks her on the head)
CLARE:
Get off me!!! … Mum!
DAD:
Yes Barry? Tomato soup? There. See, your brother knows how to behave and he’s only five!
CLARE:
Yeah, but he’s reading the menu upside down!
DEN:
You noticed Clare! Another major step forward!
MUM:
.. and chips and a burger. There’s a good boy! See? Barry has looked at the menu and knows exactly what he wants ready for when the waitress comes over. Unlike you two!
DEN:
Barry, if you order all that you’re going to puke!!
CLARE:
Barry, do you need the toilet?? (Barry nods and is taken out by MUM who picks up a phone call and exits)
DAD:
Now, will you all please behave, this is a posh restaurant, please don’t embarrass your mother!
CLARE:
It’s not me, it’s her!! (points in Den's face, DEN slaps her finger away) Don’t touch me MORON!
DEN:
If I’m a moron, then you’re an idiot
CLARE:
Mum! Dad!! Den’s being annoying again
DEN:
Oooh, Clare, so sweet and innocent, as if butter wouldn't melt in her mouth.
DAD:
Guys, please be nice to each other, otherwise we’ll have to go home, .. er.. or to Burger Empire?!
CLARE:
Yes!!
DEN:
Come on Dad, we all know that’s where you really wanted to go in the first place.
DAD:
Well at least they have chocolate milkshakes. (Mum enters hanging up the phone)
MUM:
Shush!! The waitress is here. (Looking at menu .. to waitress) Yes, certainly ….
DAD:
I’ll have the - BURGER!!!
MUM:
Derek!! …. I’ll have the melon balls to start with, then the lemon Chicken. Now to go with that? … Oh. Er - gosh! The fries sound really nice, don’t they?
CLARE:
(CLARE returns from the washroom) (Knowing the next bit) But I AM Dieting!
MUM:
But, I AM dieting. So - jacket potato, then. Now then, vegetables or salad? Oh. Er - gosh! - er -
CLARE:
Salad!
MUM:
Thank you, Clare. I CAN order my own meal, you know. (to WAITRESS) Children. They’re so cheeky aren’t they?
CLARE:
But you always have salad, always.
MUM:
Perhaps I will have the stir-fry. (To WAITRESS) I wonder if the stir-fry cooked in vegetable or olive oil?
CLARE:
Oh, man! (Under her breath) Lard, probably
MUM:
Oh, not to worry. I’ll stick to the jacket potato. Er - and I’ll have the salad.
CLARE:
Told you.
DAD:
Ok, now it’s my turn!! Oooh, sir! I like that! You don’t get called sir at Burger Empire!
MUM:
Derek!
DAD:
Just a joke! I’ll have the deep fried mushrooms and garlic bread for starters, please.
MUM:
I don’t think so, dearest. What about the egg mayonnaise?
DAD:
I don’t want the egg mayonnaise! Marie, I’m having the mushrooms!
CLARE:
But, Dad - mushrooms make you -
MUM:
Clare!!
DEN:
They give you wind, Father. For once I agree with Clare.
DAD:
All right, all right!! I’ll have the egg mayonnaise. God! Main course? (Sarcastically) Well, I don’t know. You’d better ask THEM.
MUM:
Derek, don’t sulk in front of the waitress, please.
DAD:
(Sulking) I’m not sulking.
MUM:
Derek, it’s not that hard to choose from the menu
DAD:
Oh, I do have a choice now do I? (Deliberately being awkward) I don’t want one anymore.
MUM:
(To Waitress) He’ll have the same as me! Den?
DEN:
I don’t want a starter and then I’ll have the Pasta Surprise. What’s the surprise please? .. Pasta .. Oh ok!
MUM:
Clare?
CLARE:
I just want a burger.
MUM:
They only do burgers on the children’s menu darling
DEN:
That’s alright. (Picking up the children’s menu) Now then. Clare. Do We want a whale-burger with fishy-dishy chips, or do we want a clown-burger with happy-face chips?
CLARE:
Mum!
MUM:
Could she have the burger with grown-up chips, please? Will you all please behave, you can all be so embarrassing, and that includes you Derek!
DAD:
Me?? What have I done?? How exactly have I embarrassed you? (BARRY returns from the washroom)
BARRY:
I’ll have the tomato soup and Daddy’s tea, please.
MUM:
Now then Barry? (Listening to Barry) Daddy’s tea? There’s a good boy, Barry. He said ‘please’. Daddy’s changed his mind Barry, he’s having his own tea now.
DAD:
Says who?
MUM:
Derek! Behave! Sorry, Barry? Chips, wasn’t it?
BARRY:
Yes.
MUM:
And? Cacky? MUM, DAD CLARE, DEN BARRY??!!
Daddy said it did he?
Daddy said it did he?
DAD:
I never did!
MUM:
What did Daddy say, Barry? Daddy said that he was going to have cacky for his tea here? Really!!
DEN:
(Realising the truth) Did he now? And was he talking to Clare at the time, Barry? Yes? (Moves over to Barry. Listening to Barry and repeating what he’s saying) “And Daddy and Clare said that they’d rather go to Burger Empire because if they came here they’d have cacky for tea. Cacky for tea and a play-up. So I’ll have cacky as well. But not a play-up because I’m a big boy now.” (Silence)
MUM:
Cacky, Derek?!
