Once Bitten Twice Shy – 4 Players
3 cast members · Comedy
Once Bitten Twice Shy – 4 Players
Once Bitten Twice Shy – 4 Players · Gervase Phinn Adapted by Simon Law
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Once Bitten Twice Shy
Published by scriptsandsketches.com
In a flat in Barungo, Barney finds himself in a panic with a deadly scorpion on his stomach. As Reg and Major try to help, their absurd suggestions lead to hilarious chaos.
Group
Characters: REG, BARNEY, MAJOR, MRS WARBURTON
REG and BARNEY live in a flat in Barungo North Africa. Barney is a nervous little man. They and their friends who’ve come over, work in an International Banking firm. REG comes in after a night out.
BARNEY:
I knew this was going to happen. I knew it. Everything’s gone wrong this week. Why me? Why has it all happened to me?
MAJOR:
Now then, Mr Sayers, I hear you’re in a spot of bother
BARNEY:
You could say that, Major. Only got a giant deadly scorpion lying ‘doggo’ on my stomach
MAJOR:
They attack at the slightest provocation you know
BARNEY:
Really?
MAJOR:
Oh yes indeed. Nasty vicious little creepy-crawlies are scorpions. My sergeant-major, McPherson I think they called him - big strapping Scotsman with a shock of red hair was bitten by one of those little blighters.
BARNEY:
What happened?
MAJOR:
Well first we had to suck the poison out. Nasty business that was.
REG:
Did you manage it?
MAJOR:
Oh yes indeed. Didn’t do him much good though. Poison affected his whole nervous system. Paralysed he was.
BARNEY:
Oh please, no ….
MAJOR:
Dead within the hour
BARNEY:
You’re a great comfort to me, Major, a real comfort.
MAJOR:
He was a good soldier as well
BARNEY:
What are you going to do?
MAJOR:
They’re funny creatures scorpions, you know. They keep their heads down during the day. As a rule they never come out. Then at night they creep out from the crevices and cracks in search of their prey.
BARNEY:
Stop him, Reg, will you!
MAJOR:
And they can’t half shift you know. I’ve seen one galloping across the sand at a great speed and once I saw one climbing up a tree. Now then, would you believe that - climbing up a tree!
REG:
Major!! What are you going to do??
MAJOR:
Well I think the most sensible thing to do is to whip back the sheets - sharpish like - and take a good swing at it with my walking cane. Squash the little blighter!
BARNEY:
Don’t be such an idiot!
MAJOR:
I say ….
BARNEY:
What happens if you miss?
MAJOR:
That’s a point. Never thought of that.
REG:
Well we ought to draw back the sheet a bit, Barney, and have a little look. Then we could decide what to do.
BARNEY:
Oh dear …
REG:
How does that strike you?
BARNEY:
It doesn’t strike me at all
REG:
Perhaps you’re right
MAJOR:
Well, what about yanking back the sheet and karate chopping it to the floor? I’ve done a bit of commando training, you know. Got very sharp reflexes for a man of my age!
BARNEY:
Is that the best you can come up with? Will you forget the idea of pulling back the sheet. The light would frighten it. It’s pitch black under there now. Got any other brilliant suggestions like blasting it off with a double-barrelled shotgun or luring it off with a piece of cheese or hypnotising it?
REG:
Now don’t get excited, Barney, it won’t do any good
MAJOR:
I don’t suppose you noticed if was male or female?
BARNEY:
(In disbelief) What?
MAJOR:
Whether it was male or female?
BARNEY:
What the devil has that got to do with it?
MAJOR:
Well if it was male, let’s say, it might be persuaded to come off it it heard … a sort of … I don’t know, mating noise or something.
BARNEY:
Can you imitate the mating call of a female scorpion, Major?
MAJOR:
‘Fraid not, old chap. Do a pretty good imitation of a bull elephant though.
BARNEY:
Well that wouldn’t be much use, would it, since I haven’t got an elephant on top of me!!!
REG:
Now, don’t get excited Barney. The Major’s only trying to help
MRS W:
Hello!!
MAJOR:
In here, Drusilla.
MRS W:
Was it a gas leak Charles?
MAJOR:
‘Fraid not. Mr Sayers here has a scorpion on his stomach
MRS W:
Oh, good gracious, how dreadful. What are you going to do?
BARNEY:
That, Mrs Warburton, is the sixty four thousand dollar question.
MRS W:
Well, I should say we could all do with a nice cup of tea. Calm us all down a bit.
BARNEY:
Mrs Warburton, as I lie here flat out on this bed with a deadly creature which may strike any minute the last thing I want is a nice cup of tea!!
REG:
Mrs W was only trying to be helpful, Barney
BARNEY:
Yes, yes, I know, I’m sorry
MRS W:
I read somewhere that Indians can charm creatures into a basket
MAJOR:
Cobras!
MRS W:
I beg your pardon, Charles?
MAJOR:
Cobras, my dear. You’re thinking of snake charmers. They hypnotise cobras with a flute or something and they don’t get them to go in the basket, they get them to come out.
MRS W:
Oh. I could fetch violin and give it a try. Maybe scorpions like music.
BARNEY:
I don’t believe all this is happening
REG:
(under his breath) Anything but her violin
MAJOR:
Wouldn’t do much good my dear. I have an idea that scorpions are half blind and stone deaf
REG:
(Under his breath) Which has it’s advantages when listening to her on that old fiddle
MRS W:
I’m sorry, did you say something?
REG:
I said it’s a pity the scorpion’s on Barney’s middle
MAJOR:
I say, I know who’ll sort this little problem out. Father O’Halloran from the mission. Lived in the desert half his life. I’ll pop down the road and fetch him!
(REG and MRS W exit)
REG:
I told you Barney, that you’d have been better off coming with us!
