(Over his spectacles) Ahh - Mrs Fraser, is that it?

That’s right and this is my son Ernie

Ah, yes, Ernie. I’ve been hearing all sorts of things about you, young Ernie. Now, what have you been up to eh?

Illucinations.

I beg your pardon?

Illucinations.

Oh, yes, quite illuci --- quite, yes

What I’m trying to say Doctor, is that Ernie has been creating these illusions

Ah ..

Well, they’re more than illusions, really. He’s been causing so much trouble. At school, at home, everywhere he goes. I mean we can’t go on like this!!

(Calming her down) Perhaps it would be better if you told me a little more about it. When did you first notice …?

(Calmer now) Ah, well, now then … he’d have been … well, it’d have been about … near enough … er …

Go on. (Ernie steps forward. During his speech Mum remains seated. The Doctor moves to the side of the stage, produces a notebook and makes notes on what follows starting upstage right)

It started with these daydreams. (Pacing downstage from left to right) You know, the sort everyone gets. Where you suddenly score a hat trick in the last five minutes of the Cup Final, or you bowl the West Indies out for ten runs - or saving your granny from a blazing helicopter, all that sort of rubbish. It was one wet Saturday afternoon and me and my mum and dad were having one of those exciting afternoon rave-ups we usually have in our house. (Mum has started knitting. There is a long silence)

I thought you’d be at the match today Albert? No? Not often you miss a game. Mmm … s’pose they’re playing away

Meanwhile - while this exciting discussion was in progress, I was reading a book about the French war-time resistance workers and of the dangers they faced (excited) - often arrested in their homes. I started wondering what would happen if a squad of Officers turned up at our front door having been tipped off about the secret radio transmitter hidden in our cistern - when suddenly ... (The tramp of feet, and we hear two Officers comes marching up to their front door upstage left)

Halte! (They bangs on the door) Pause

That the door? …. I said, is that the door? … Ernie?

Open zis door. Open the door! (he knocks again)

Oh, that’ll be the milkman wanting his money. He always comes round about now. Ernie, have you got ten bob ...?

(Shouting) Open zis door immediately, or I shall order my men to break it down! (he bangs on the door again)

Just a minute. Coming. Ernie have you got that ten bob?

We know you’re in there, English spy! Come out with your hands up …!

What’s he shouting about? Oh, I’d better ask him for three pints next week, if Auntie May’s coming …

Zis is your last chance … (he knocks again)

Oh, shut up … (The Officer charges the door) I’m coming - I’m coming.

I shouldn’t go out there, Mum …

What?

I said don’t go out there

What … ?

It’s not the milkman. It’s a squad of enemy soldiers.

Who?

They’ve come for me …

Who has?

The soldiers. They’ve found out about the radio transmitter.

What radio? Hey there’s a point, Albert, have you paid our telly licence yet? It might be the detector van. Albert take the telly upstairs just in case, I’ll go and see who it is

But Mum … don’t go out Mum

Shut up!

(to Mum) Don’t go!

I can’t leave them out there. The way they’re going they’ll have the door off it’s hinges in a minute … (she moves to the door)

Mum … (Mum opens the door just as the soldiers are charging for the second time. They soot past her and land in a heap)

Hey … (Ernie crouches behind the table)

(Standing up) Ah-haaaa! Zee house is surrounded.

Who are you?

Put up your hands. My men will search the house. (Shouting upstairs) We know you’re hiding in here, you can't get away …

Hey - hey - HEY!

Ah-ha. What have we here? (looking at the tv)

Oh. It’s the telly. The neighbours telly. Not ours.

Ah-ha.

Albert’s just fixing it for him.

(To mum) Outside. You will come with me

What is this, I’m not going out in the rain

Outside or we shoot!

(Coming from behind the chair with a pretend machine gun) Hold it! Drop those guns!

Ah, so … (the officer raises his gun)

Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. (The Officers collapses - his legs are offstage upstage left) (Mum screams) (Then there is a silence)

Oh, Ernie. What have you done?

Sorry Mum.

Oh dear, are they dead?

I think so! (Mum screams again)

What about the neighbours? What about the carpet? Look at it. What’ll we do with them? (Ernie steps forward. As he speaks the during the next section, mum drags off the bodies)

Well, Mum and Dad decided that the best thing to do was to pretend it hadn’t happened. That was usually the way they coped with emergencies … (The Doctor steps forward)

(Struggling with a body) We waited till it got dark, you see …

Yes? And then …? (Pacing around upstage right)

We dumped ‘em

(Shocked) I beg your pardon?

We dumped ‘em. Took ‘em all out and dumped ‘em.

Dumped them? Where, for heaven's sake?

Oh - bus shelters - park benches … Corporation car park. Left one in the all-night cafeteria, and one the garden of rest. Caused a bit of a rumpus.

I’m not surprised

We had the police around our way for days - trying to sort it out … never did get to the bottom of it, though

Extraordinary. And then?

(Stepping forward) And then - Auntie May arrived to stay. I like my Auntie May! The End