Blackadder Goes Forth Over The Top
Two-hander · Comedy
Blackadder Goes Forth Over The Top
Blackadder Goes Forth Over The Top · Rowan Atkinson; Adapted by Simon Law
1 / 1
Blackadder Goes Forth Over The Top
Published by scriptsandsketches.com
In the trenches of WWI, George and Edmund discuss their boredom and the impending battle, blending humor with the grim reality of war.
Duologue
Characters: GEORGE, EDMUND
(1916 - in the trench, it's raining)
GEORGE:
I'm as bored as a pacifists pistol. When are we going to see some action?
EDMUND:
Well, George, I strongly suspect that your long wait for certain death is nearly at an end. Surely you must have noticed something in the air...
GEORGE:
Well, yes, of course, but I thought that was Private Baldrick.
EDMUND:
Unless I'm very much mistaken, soon we will at last be making the final Big Push -- that one we've been so looking forward to all these years.
GEORGE:
Well, hurrah with highly polished brass knobs on! About time! (phone rings within Baldrick's backpack, Edmund answers it)
EDMUND:
Hello; the Somme Public Baths -- no running, shouting, or piddling in the shallow end. Ah, Captain Darling. Tomorrow at dawn. Oh, excellent. See you later, then. Bye. (hangs up) Gentlemen, our long wait is nearly at an end. Tomorrow morning, General ‘Insanity’ Melchett invites you to a mass slaughter. We're going over the top.
GEORGE:
Well, huzzah and hurrah! God Save the King, Rule Britannia, and Boo Sucks the Hairy Hun!
EDMUND:
Or, to put it more precisely: you're going over the top; I'm getting out of here. (goes inside dugout)
GEORGE:
(Follows Edmund in) Oh, now, come on, Cap! It may be a bit risky (tries to speak in a rousing Cockney dialect, but fails miserably), but it sure is bloomin'ell worth it, gov'nor!
EDMUND:
How could it possibly be worth it? We've been sitting here since Christmas 1914, during which millions of men have died, and we've advanced no further than an asthmatic ant with some heavy shopping.
GEORGE:
Well, but this time I'm absolutely pos we'll break through! It's ice cream in Berlin in 15 days.
EDMUND:
Or ice cold in No Man's Land in 15 seconds. No, the time has come to get out of this madness once and for all
GEORGE:
What madness is that?
EDMUND:
For God's sake, George, how long have you been in the army?
GEORGE:
Oh me? I joined up straight away, sir. August the 4th, 1914. Gah, what a day that was: myself and the rest of the fellows leapfrogging down to the Cambridge recruiting office and then playing tiddlywinks in the queue. We had hammered Oxford's tiddlywinkers only the week before, and there we were, off to hammer the Boche! Crashingly superb bunch of blokes. Fine, clean-limbed -- even their acne had a strange nobility about it.
EDMUND:
Yes, and how are all the boys now?
GEORGE:
Well, er, Jacko and the Badger bought it at the first Ypres front, unfortunately -- quite a shock, that. I remember Bumfluff's house-master wrote and told me that Sticky had been out for a duck, and that Gubber had snitched a parcel sausage-end and gone goose-over-stump frogside.
EDMUND:
Meaning...?
GEORGE:
I don't know, sir, but I read in the Times that they'd both been killed.
EDMUND:
And Bumfluff himself...?
GEORGE:
Copped a packet at Gallipoli with the Aussies -- so had Drippy and Strangely Brown. I remember we heard on the first morning of the Somme when Titch and Mr Floppy got gassed back to Blighty.
EDMUND:
Which leaves...?
GEORGE:
Gosh, yes, I, I suppose I'm the only one of the Trinity Tiddlers still alive. (Lummy?), there's a thought -- and not a jolly one.
EDMUND:
My point exactly, George.
GEORGE:
A chap might get a bit miffed -- if it wasn't the thought of going over the top tomorrow!
EDMUND:
Yes, of course George!
