(Without looking up) Yes?

Erm... hello doctor.

(Slowly looks up at Perkins) Hello... Sit down then.

(Sits) I have this strange little ...

(To himself but in a loud voice) Oh here we go!

Sorry?

Nothing. You carry on.

Well it’s just I’ve got this ...

(Again to himself) Typical!

Is there a problem doctor?

No! Why would there be a problem?

(After a slight pause) It’s just ...

Ten years I’ve worked here! Ten years and not once has anybody ever thought to ask me how I might be feeling.

Pardon?

(Irate) You would have thought that in ten years somebody just once – just once – would have come into this room and said, “oh doctor, that’s enough about me how are you?” or “how’s the wife and family?” or “I thought I’d come in just to see if you were alright” but no it’s the same old constant dribble all day long!

(Unsure how to react) Oh. (Pause) I’ve never really thought about it like that.

Nobody ever does! It’s constantly “doctor I’ve got this, oh doctor I’ve got that, oh doctor look at me, oh doctor help me, oh doctor notice me, notice me, notice me!” (Pause. The Doctor continues to scribble his notes down. Eventually Perkins plucks up the courage to speak again.)

So how was your day doctor?

(Putting his pen down) Oh you’re just patronising me now.

No I’m not.

Yes you are.

No I’m not.

Yes you are! If I hadn’t just brought up how I am feeling then I bet you wouldn’t have bothered to ask me.

(Reaching out) Honestly. I do care!

(Changing to a calm tone) Sorry. It’s just been a stressful long hard day.

(Looking at his watch) It’s only ten past nine doctor.

(Upset) Oh god no!

It’s okay doctor. Things are never as bad as they seem.

(Pulling himself together) Sorry. Sorry. (Deep breaths) Thank you for helping me.

(Stands up) That’s no problem. You take care.

Where are you going?

It’s okay doctor. You need to rest. I can come back later. I suggest you take things a little easier for the week and I’ll come back if symptoms persist.

No please. You took the trouble to come down here. Please sit back down.

Only if you feel up to it. (The Doctor nods. Perkins sits)

Thank you. So how can I help you?

It all seems a little silly now.

Please I insist.

(Showing doctor his hand) Well I have this cut on my hand and it doesn’t seem to have fully healed.

I see. How long have you had this cut?

Two days.

(Harsh and abrupt) You what?

Erm ... two days doctor.

Two days?

Yes doctor.

You’ve had this cut for two days?

Is there a problem doctor?

(Angry) You come in here with your snivelling and your whining and your dreary high voice with what can only be described as a small paper cut! Oh you make me want to throw up! Two days! What is the matter with you? Of course it won’t have fully healed in two days you stupid soft irritating hypochondriac!

I’ll let myself out doctor.

(Pulling himself together slightly) No it’s alright. You deserve the same treatment as everybody else. I’ll put a plaster on it for you.

You’ll do that for me doctor?

Yes. I might as well. (Looks in his drawer) Sorry we’re fresh out of plasters so you’re going to have to just leave!

(Standing up) Oh ... erm. Okay. Thank you doctor for your time. You’re an inspiration the world of medical science.

(Cheerfully) I do my best. Thank you for visiting.

Bye! (Exits)

Bye! ... Idiot!