Two Weeks With The Queen
Two-hander · Comedy
Two Weeks With The Queen
Two Weeks With The Queen · Mary Morris
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Two Weeks With The Queen
Published by scriptsandsketches.com
In a suburban sitting room, Colin and Alistair engage in a wild conversation about adventure, sharks, and breaking into Buckingham Palace to save a life.
Duologue
Characters: COLIN, ALISTAIR
(The scene takes place in ALISTAIR's parents' sitting room in a London suburb.)
ALISTAIR:
Colin?
COLIN:
What?
ALISTAIR:
Have you really ridden a trail bike, or were you pulling my leg?
COLIN:
Straight up. Yamaha 2.5o. Twin exhaust, cross-country gear ratios.
ALISTAIR:
Brill.
COLIN:
Yeh, it was alright till the brakes failed and I went over the cliff.
ALISTAIR:
You went over a cliff?
COLIN:
Yeh. But it's OK, the ocean was underneath, it broke my fall.
ALISTAIR:
The Pacific Ocean?
COLIN:
Yeh. The surf wasn't too high, only fifteen metres.
ALISTAIR:
Brill.
COLIN:
'Course the sharks were a problem.
ALISTAIR:
Sharks?
COLIN:
White pointers. There were a couple of them. Reminded me of the time I had to fight crocs off in the Territory.
ALISTAIR:
Crocodiles?
COLIN:
Twenty-footers. I gave them a wrestle for their money, but ...
ALISTAIR:
Do you know Crocodile Dundee?
COLIN:
He's a mate of mine, gave me a few tips. See, a croc's got no brains. You can outsmart 'em. Not like sharks. Only way with sharks is to out-swim them.
ALISTAIR:
You can out-swim sharks?
COLIN:
All Australians can. Wouldn't be any of us left if we couldn't. Alistair, don't you ever get bored?
ALISTAIR:
No. Well, a bit. Sometimes.
COLIN:
How would you like to help me save Luke's life?
ALISTAIR:
... I'm not allowed to give blood!
COLIN:
You don't have to give blood. Listen, do you reckon the Queen's doctor would be the best doctor in the world?
ALISTAIR:
Yes, pretty good, specially ‘cos he'd have to do it without looking.
COLIN:
Eh?
ALISTAIR:
Well, he would, wouldn't he? I mean if the Queen was sick he couldn't just say, “take your frock off your Majesty and let me look at your . . . er . . . your . . . you know', could he? I mean, not the Queen. Nobody could, could they? He'd have to guess what's wrong. He'd have to be good.
COLIN:
Er. . . yeh. Anyway, I wrote to her and asked her to let me get in touch with him, and she didn't write back.
ALISTAIR:
When did you write to her?
COLIN:
Nearly a week ago.
ALISTAIR:
Well, there you are then. It'll be months before the gets round to it.
COLIN:
She a bit slack?
ALISTAIR:
No, not her. But hundreds of people write to her. She gets sack fulls of letters every day. Special vans full of letters for her.
COLIN:
I've seen them. They've got Royal Mail written on them.
ALISTAIR:
Er, yeh. Takes a bit of time to answer all them letters.
COLIN:
Well, I haven't got time, I'm going to have to get into the palace and talk to her myself. And you're gonna help me.
ALISTAIR:
You want me to help you break into Buckingham Palace?
COLIN:
Someone has to give me a leg up.
ALISTAIR:
Mum doesn't let me go into town by myself.
COLIN:
You won't be by yourself, you'll be with me.
ALISTAIR:
But you can't just climb into the palace, there'll be alarms and dogs and stuff.
COLIN:
No there won't, well only corgis and they'll be asleep on the Queen's bed.
ALISTAIR:
How do you know?
COLIN:
It was in our papers at home. A few years ago, a bloke got into Buckingham Palace at night and next morning, when the Queen woke up he was sitting on the end of her bed, looking at her. He didn't have a single dog bite on him.
ALISTAIR:
I remember that.
COLIN:
If he can do it, we can.
ALISTAIR:
They put him in a loony bin.
COLIN:
Alright then! I'll do it myself.
ALISTAIR:
I'll come.
COLIN:
OK, we'll set the alarm tonight for three-thirty in the morning.
ALISTAIR:
.. I'll stay.
COLIN:
Don't be a wimp.
ALISTAIR:
What if you get shot?
COLIN:
OK stay then!
ALISTAIR:
I'll come.
COLIN:
Good one. Three-thirty then. Let's go and buy a rope. (They start to go)
ALISTAIR:
But I'm not allowed out in the traffic.
COLIN:
Alistair, anybody'd think a bus was gonna jump the kerb and weave through all the other shoppers, carefully avoiding rubbish bins and brick walls and flatten you!
ALISTAIR:
Well, one could do, couldn't it?
COLIN:
Alright, I'll go and buy the rope myself.
ALISTAIR:
I'll come.
