The Schoolmaster Sketch Monologue
Solo Monologue · Comedy
The Schoolmaster Sketch Monologue
The Schoolmaster Sketch Monologue · Rowan Atkinson
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The Schoolmaster Sketch
Published by scriptsandsketches.com
In this comedic monologue, a strict schoolmaster takes the morning register, berates students for their homework, and reflects on the absurdities of education with sharp wit.
Monologue
Characters: MASTER
(Dressed as an old-fashioned schoolmaster)
MASTER:
Right. Quiet.
(He reads list as if taking morning register) Ainsley. Babcock. Bland. Carthorse. Dint. Ellsworth-Beast Major. Ellsworth-Beast Minor. Flange. Goblin. Hemoglobin. Have-a-nut. Jones, M. Jones, N. Kossigan. Loud-Hayler. Mattock. Nancyboy-Potter. Nibble. Come on, settle down. Orifice. Plectrum. Poinse. Sediment. Soda. Te. Te? Under-manager. Zob…. Absent.
(He sighs) All right, your essays. Discuss the contention that Cleopatra had the body of a roll-top desk and the mind of a duck. Oxford and Cambridge board ‘O’ level paper, 1976.
Don't fidget, Bland.
The answer: Yes.
(Rifling through homework papers) Jones, M; Orifice; Sediment and Undermanager, see me afterwards.
Most of you of course didn't write nearly enough. Dint, your answer was unreadable.
Put it away, Plectrum! If I see it once more this period, Plectrum, I shall have to tweak you. Do you have a solicitor, Plectrum? You're lying, so I shall tweak you anyway. See me afterwards to be tweaked. Yes, isn't life tragic! Don't sulk, boy, for God's sake. Has matron seen those boils? Horrid little twerp.
(Rifling through rest of homework papers) Bland, German, Nancyboy Potter, Undermanager: Carthorse.
Undermanager: answer upside down. Do you do it deliberately, Undermanager? You're a moron. A carbuncle on the backside of humanity.
Don't snigger, Babcock! It's not funny. Antony and Cleopatra is not a funny play. If Shakespeare had meant it to be funny, he would have put a joke in it. There is no joke in Antony and Cleopatra, you'd know that if you'd read it, wouldn't you, Babcock? Pest!
What play of Shakespeare's does have a joke in it? Anyone? The Comedy of Errors, for God's sake! The Comedy of Errors has the joke of two people looking like each other.
It's not that funny, Goblin. And the other Shakespearean joke is? Nibble? NIBBLE! Leave Orifice alone!
What a lot!
Right, for the rest of this period you will write about Ean Abobbis. Undermanager, just try and write Ean Abobbis.
Usual conditions, no conferring, no eating, no cheating, no looking out of windows, no slang, no slide rules. Use ink only, via a nib, if possible. You may use dividers, but not on each other.
Kossigan, you're in charge.
(He reads list as if taking morning register) Ainsley. Babcock. Bland. Carthorse. Dint. Ellsworth-Beast Major. Ellsworth-Beast Minor. Flange. Goblin. Hemoglobin. Have-a-nut. Jones, M. Jones, N. Kossigan. Loud-Hayler. Mattock. Nancyboy-Potter. Nibble. Come on, settle down. Orifice. Plectrum. Poinse. Sediment. Soda. Te. Te? Under-manager. Zob…. Absent.
(He sighs) All right, your essays. Discuss the contention that Cleopatra had the body of a roll-top desk and the mind of a duck. Oxford and Cambridge board ‘O’ level paper, 1976.
Don't fidget, Bland.
The answer: Yes.
(Rifling through homework papers) Jones, M; Orifice; Sediment and Undermanager, see me afterwards.
Most of you of course didn't write nearly enough. Dint, your answer was unreadable.
Put it away, Plectrum! If I see it once more this period, Plectrum, I shall have to tweak you. Do you have a solicitor, Plectrum? You're lying, so I shall tweak you anyway. See me afterwards to be tweaked. Yes, isn't life tragic! Don't sulk, boy, for God's sake. Has matron seen those boils? Horrid little twerp.
(Rifling through rest of homework papers) Bland, German, Nancyboy Potter, Undermanager: Carthorse.
Undermanager: answer upside down. Do you do it deliberately, Undermanager? You're a moron. A carbuncle on the backside of humanity.
Don't snigger, Babcock! It's not funny. Antony and Cleopatra is not a funny play. If Shakespeare had meant it to be funny, he would have put a joke in it. There is no joke in Antony and Cleopatra, you'd know that if you'd read it, wouldn't you, Babcock? Pest!
What play of Shakespeare's does have a joke in it? Anyone? The Comedy of Errors, for God's sake! The Comedy of Errors has the joke of two people looking like each other.
It's not that funny, Goblin. And the other Shakespearean joke is? Nibble? NIBBLE! Leave Orifice alone!
What a lot!
Right, for the rest of this period you will write about Ean Abobbis. Undermanager, just try and write Ean Abobbis.
Usual conditions, no conferring, no eating, no cheating, no looking out of windows, no slang, no slide rules. Use ink only, via a nib, if possible. You may use dividers, but not on each other.
Kossigan, you're in charge.
