Once Bitten Twice Shy – 3 Players
3 cast members · Comedy
Once Bitten Twice Shy – 3 Players
Once Bitten Twice Shy – 3 Players · Gervase Phinn Adapted by Simon Law
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Once Bitten Twice Shy
Published by scriptsandsketches.com
In a flat in Barungo, Barney panics when he discovers a scorpion on his stomach. With Reg and Major Warburton's help, hilarity ensues as they devise a plan to deal with the creepy-crawly.
Group
Characters: REG, BARNEY, MAJOR
Reg and Barney live in a flat in Barungo North Africa. Barney is a nervous little man. They and their friends who’ve come over, work in an International Banking firm.
BARNEY:
(whispering) Reg!
REG:
(Loud) Yes? Oh, we had such a good time, you should have come with us, hahahah!!
BARNEY:
Reg!
REG:
(Calling out) Coffee or tea?
BARNEY:
Over here! (REG comes out of the kitchen)
REG:
I’ve made you tea, (gives Barney a mug of tea) I know you don’t sleep with too much coffee, now then, what is it that’s so important?
BARNEY:
Shut up!
REG:
What on earth’s the matter!
BARNEY:
After you shot off into town I climbed into bed and opened my book. Then I felt a sort of tickling on my neck, and out of the corner of my eye I saw it … (worried) moving down the pillow in little jerks it was … with it’s tail glistening and sharp. (Whispering) I just lay there, still, watching it glide without a sound onto my chest.
REG:
Ooooh, Barney! Then what happened?
BARNEY:
Then, I saw it creep under the sheet … I felt it curl up on my tummy. You see that little lump there - well that’s him. He’s been there all this time!!!!
REG:
(Panicking) We’ll fix it in no time. Now for God’s sake don’t move. I’m just popping next door to get Major Warburton.
BARNEY:
(Desperate) What for?
REG:
Well, he’s been in Africa for years. He’s sure to know how to deal with it
BARNEY:
All right, but don’t be long (REG exits) I knew this was going to happen. I knew it. Everything’s gone wrong this week. Why me? Why has it all happened to me? (REG enters, followed by Major Warburton who is dressed in pyjamas with an overcoat over the top. He is carrying a walking cane)
MAJOR:
Now then, Mr Sayers, I hear you’re in a spot of bother
BARNEY:
You could say that, Major. Only got a giant deadly scorpion lying ‘doggo’ on my stomach
MAJOR:
They attack at the slightest provocation you know
REG:
Really?
MAJOR:
Oh yes indeed. Nasty vicious little creepy-crawlies are scorpions. My sergeant-major, McPherson I think they called him - big strapping Scotsman with a shock of red hair - was bitten by one of those little blighters.
REG:
What happened?
MAJOR:
Well first we had to suck the poison out. Nasty business that was.
REG:
Did you manage it?
MAJOR:
Oh yes indeed. Didn’t do him much good though. Poison affected his whole nervous system. Paralysed he was.
BARNEY:
Oh please, no ….
MAJOR:
Dead within the hour
BARNEY:
You’re a great comfort to me, Major, a real comfort.
MAJOR:
He was a good soldier as well
REG:
What are you going to do?
MAJOR:
They’re funny creatures scorpions, you know. They keep their heads down during the day. As a rule they never come out. Then at night they creep out from the crevices and cracks in search of their prey.
BARNEY:
Stop him, Reg, will you!
MAJOR:
And they can’t half shift you know. I’ve seen one galloping across the sand at a great speed and once I saw one climbing up a tree. Now then, would you believe that - climbing up a tree!
REG:
(Shouting) Major!! What are you going to do??
MAJOR:
(Mumbling) Ahh, yes, …..Well I think the most sensible thing to do is to whip back the sheets - sharpish like - and take a good swing at it with my walking cane. Squash the little blighter!
BARNEY:
Don’t be such an idiot!
MAJOR:
I say ….
REG:
What happens if you miss?
MAJOR:
That’s a point. Never thought of that.
REG:
Well we ought to draw back the sheet a bit, Barney, and have a little look. Then we could decide what to do.
BARNEY:
Oh dear …
REG:
How does that strike you?
BARNEY:
It doesn’t strike me at all
REG:
Perhaps you’re right
MAJOR:
Well, what about yanking back the sheet and karate chopping it to the floor? I’ve done a bit of commando training, you know. Got very sharp reflexes for a man of my age!
BARNEY:
Is that the best you can come up with? Will you forget the idea of pulling back the sheet. The light would frighten it. It’s pitch black under there now. Got any other brilliant suggestions like blasting it off with a double-barrelled shotgun or luring it off with a piece of cheese or hypnotising it?
REG:
Now don’t get excited, Barney, it won’t do any good
MAJOR:
I don’t suppose you noticed if was male or female?
BARNEY:
(In disbelief) What?
MAJOR:
Whether it was male or female?
REG:
What the devil has that got to do with it?
MAJOR:
Well if it was male, let’s say, it might be persuaded to come off it it heard … a sort of … I don’t know, mating noise or something.
BARNEY:
Can you imitate the mating call of a female scorpion, Major?
MAJOR:
‘Fraid not, old chap. Do a pretty good imitation of a bull elephant though.
BARNEY:
Well that wouldn’t be much use, would it, since I haven’t got an elephant on top of me!!!
REG:
Now, don’t get excited, the Major’s only trying to help. I told you Barney, that you’d have been better off coming with us!
