Fawlty Towers – Mrs Richards
5 cast members · Comedy
Fawlty Towers – Mrs Richards
Fawlty Towers – Mrs Richards · Adapted by Simon Law
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Fawlty Towers
Published by scriptsandsketches.com
In a chaotic hotel reception, POLLY juggles the demands of MR THURSTON and the impatient MRS RICHARDS, leading to a series of misunderstandings and humorous exchanges.
Group
Characters: POLLY, MANUEL, MR THURSTON, BASIL, MRS RICHARDS
(A bustling hotel reception area. POLLY is attending to MR THURSTON while MRS RICHARDS impatiently waits.)
POLLY:
(to Mr Thurston) Oh, hello. . . can I help you?
MR THURSTON:
(optional) …Yes…
MRS RICHARDS:
Girl! Would you give me change for this, please.
POLLY:
In one moment — I’m just dealing with this gentleman. Yes, Mr Thurston?
MRS RICHARDS:
What?
MR THURSTON:
(Optional) Thank you. I was wondering if you could help..
MRS RICHARDS:
I need change for this.
POLLY:
In a moment — I’m dealing with this gentleman.
MRS RICHARDS:
But I have a taxi driver waiting. Surely this gentleman wouldn’t mind if you just gave me change.
POLLY:
(to Thurston) Do you?
MR THURSTON:
(Optional) No, no, go ahead.
POLLY:
(giving Mrs Richards her change) There you are.
MRS RICHARDS:
Thank you.
MR THURSTON:
Can you tell me how to get to Glendower Street… (Mrs Richards has paid the driver, who exits through main doors. She turns back to Polly.)
MRS RICHARDS:
Now, I’ve booked a room and bath with a sea view for three nights
POLLY:
(to Thurston) Glendower Street? (gets a map).
MR THURSTON:
(Optional) Yes.
MRS RICHARDS:
You haven’t finished with me.
POLLY:
Mrs?...
MRS RICHARDS:
Mrs Richards. Mrs Alice Richards.
POLLY:
Mrs Richards, Mr Thurston. Mr Thurston, Mrs Richards. Mr Thurston is the gentleman I’m attending to at the moment.
MRS RICHARDS:
What?
POLLY:
(loudly) Mr Thurston is the gentleman I’m attending to...
MRS RICHARDS:
Don’t shout, I’m not deaf.
POLLY:
Mr Thurston was here before you, Mrs Richards.
MRS RICHARDS:
But you were serving me.
POLLY:
I gave you change, but I hadn’t finished dealing with him. (to Thurston) Glendower Street is this one here, just off Chester Street.
MRS RICHARDS:
Isn’t there anyone else in attendance here? Really, this is the most appalling service I’ve ever.. (Enter Manuel SL)
POLLY:
(spotting Manuel) What a good idea! Manuel! Could you lend Mrs Richards your assistance in connection with her reservation. (she continues to give Thurston directions)
MRS RICHARDS:
(to Manuel) Now, I’ve reserved a very quiet room, with a bath and a sea view. I specifically asked for a sea view in my written confirmation, so please make sure I have it.
MANUEL:
Qué?
MRS RICHARDS:
What?
MANUEL:
Qué?
MRS RICHARDS:
K?
MANUEL:
Si.
MRS RICHARDS:
C? (Manuel nods) KC? (Manuel looks puzzled) KC? What are you trying to say?
MANUEL:
No, no — Qué — what?
MRS RICHARDS:
K — what?
MANUEL:
Si! Qué — what?
MRS RICHARDS:
C. K. Watt?
MANUEL:
Yes.
MRS RICHARDS:
Who is C. K. Watt?
MANUEL:
Qué?
MRS RICHARDS:
Is it the manager, Mr Watt?
MANUEL:
Oh, manager!
MRS RICHARDS:
He is.
MANUEL:
Ah. . .Mr Fawlty. (Mr Thurston exits Main doors.)
MRS RICHARDS:
What?
MANUEL:
Fawlty.
MRS RICHARDS:
What are you talking about, you silly little man. (turns to Polly) What is going on here? I ask him for my room, and he tells me the manager’s a Mr Watt aged forty.
MANUEL:
No. No. Fawlty.
MRS RICHARDS:
Faulty? What’s wrong with him?
POLLY:
It’s all right, Mrs Richards. He’s from Barcelona.
MRS RICHARDS:
The manager’s from Barcelona?
MANUEL:
No, no. He’s from Swanage.
POLLY:
And you’re in twenty-two.
MRS RICHARDS:
What?
POLLY:
You’re in room twenty-two. Manuel, take these cases up to twenty-two, will you.
MANUEL:
Si. (Manuel and Mrs Richards exits carrying cases into the bedroom, Manuel puts cases down and exits.) (Basil enters SR.)
BASIL:
Good morning, madam — can I help you?
MRS RICHARDS:
Are you the manager?
BASIL:
I am the owner, madam.
MRS RICHARDS:
What?
BASIL:
I am the owner.
MRS RICHARDS:
I want to speak to the manager.
BASIL:
I am the manager too.
MRS RICHARDS:
What?
BASIL:
I am the manager as well.
MRS RICHARDS:
Oh. . . you’re Watt.
BASIL:
I’m the manager. (loudly)
MRS RICHARDS:
Watt?
BASIL:
I’m. . . the.. . manager.
MRS RICHARDS:
Yes, I know, you’ve just told me, what’s the matter with you? Now listen to me. I’ve booked a room with a bath. When I book a room with a bath I expect to get a bath.
BASIL:
You’ve got a bath.
MRS RICHARDS:
I’m not paying seven pounds twenty pence per night plus VAT for a room without a bath.
BASIL:
There is your bath.
MRS RICHARDS:
You call that a bath? It’s not big enough to drown a mouse. It’s disgraceful.
BASIL:
(muttering) I wish you were a mouse, I’d show you.
MRS RICHARDS:
And another thing — I asked for a room with a view.
BASIL:
(to himself) Deaf, mad and blind. This is the view as far as I can remember, madam. Yes, yes, yes, this is it.
MRS RICHARDS:
When I pay for a view I expect something more interesting than that.
BASIL:
That is Torquay, madam.
MRS RICHARDS:
Well, it’s not good enough.
BASIL:
Well.. . may I ask what you were expecting to see out of a Torquay hotel bedroom window? Sydney Opera House perhaps? The Hanging Gardens of Babylon? Herds of wildebeest sweeping majestically….
MRS RICHARDS:
Don’t be silly. I expect to be able to see the sea.
BASIL:
You can see the sea. It’s over there between the land and the sky.
MRS RICHARDS:
I’d need a telescope to see that.
BASIL:
Well, may I suggest you consider moving to a hotel closer to the sea. Or preferably in it.
MRS RICHARDS:
Now listen to me; I’m not satisfied, but I have decided to stay here. However, I shall expect a reduction.
BASIL:
Why, because Krakatoa’s not erupting at the moment…..?
MRS RICHARDS:
Because the room is cold, the bath is too small, the view is invisible and the radio doesn’t work.
BASIL:
No, the radio works. You don’t.
MRS RICHARDS:
What?
BASIL:
I’ll see if I can fix it, you scabby old bat. (he turns knob) (LOUD MUSIC ON) (LOUD MUSIC OFF)
I think we got something then.
I think we got something then.
MRS RICHARDS:
What?
BASIL:
I think we got something then. Madam. . . don’t think me rude, but may I ask. . . do you by any chance have a hearing aid?
MRS RICHARDS:
A what?
BASIL:
A hearing aid!!!
MRS RICHARDS:
Yes, I do have a hearing aid.
BASIL:
Would you like me to get it mended?
MRS RICHARDS:
Mended? It’s working perfectly all right.
BASIL:
No, it isn’t.
MRS RICHARDS:
I haven’t got it turned on at the moment.
BASIL:
Why not?
MRS RICHARDS:
The battery runs down. Now what sort of a reduction are you going to give me on this room?
BASIL:
(whispering) Sixty percent if you turn it on.
MRS RICHARDS:
What?
BASIL:
(loudly) My wife handles all such matters, I’m sure she will be delighted to discuss it with you.
MRS RICHARDS:
I shall speak to her after lunch.
BASIL:
You heard that all right, didn’t you.
MRS RICHARDS:
What?
BASIL:
Thank you so much. Lunch will be served at half past twelve. (Mrs Richards exits SL)
