Who’s Next?
Two-hander · Comedy
Who’s Next?
Who’s Next? · Simon Law
1 / 1
Who’s Next?
Published by scriptsandsketches.com
An old woman in a bad mood clashes with a consultant at the hospital, leading to a comical exchange filled with misunderstandings and witty banter.
Duologue
Characters: OLD WOMAN, CONSULTANT
An old woman has been taken by ambulance to the hospital and is waiting in a very bad mood.
CONSULTANT:
Hallo my dear, now what’s your name and why are you here?
OLD WOMAN:
I’ve already told that nurse my name, and now you tell me you don’t know it .. go and ask her!
CONSULTANT:
Well, yes of course I will, I just wanted to be sure you knew your name? Do you?
OLD WOMAN:
(Shouting) OF COURSE I know my name .. idiot! What’s your name? Do you know?
CONSULTANT:
(Trying to be amusing) No, no, I asked you first
OLD WOMAN:
You don’t even know your own name! No wonder you don’t know my name. Go on then, what’s your name?
CONSULTANT:
Alright … I’m Mr Curtis
OLD WOMAN:
Ha! You’re not even a doctor, what are you, a nurse???
CONSULTANT:
Well no, actually, .. I’m a consultant.
OLD WOMAN:
So, you’re not even a doctor then, go away NURSE!
CONSULTANT:
Look, I’m a Consultant, which is a higher position than a doctor, so if you could just calm down please I’ll take a look and examine you.
OLD WOMAN:
You’re not coming anywhere near me, go away!
CONSULTANT:
Look, I have to examine you to find out what’s wrong with you.
OLD WOMAN:
There’s nothing wrong with me .. NURSE! (singing in a jeering voice) Nursey, Nursey Nursey!!
CONSULTANT:
(Getting cross) I’m NOT a nurse, I’m a Consultant! (realising he should stay calm). Now then, let me take a look at you, can you remember what happened?
OLD WOMAN:
Of course I can remember what happened, don’t you know, didn’t they tell you? They’ve kept it secret from you haven’t they, because you’re only a nurse!
CONSULTANT:
Well …. You fell over in the street, and …
OLD WOMAN:
No I didn’t
CONSULTANT:
You did actually, and an ambulance brought you here
OLD WOMAN:
What are you talking about, are you mad? I didn’t come here in an ambulance, there’s nothing wrong with me, I was kidnapped!! Help me, help me, I’ve been kidnapped!!
CONSULTANT:
Shh! Please. You haven’t been kidnapped, do you know where you are?
OLD WOMAN:
Of course I do! Do you know where you are? .. see you don’t even know where you are, do you, .. you stupid man!
CONSULTANT:
Excuse me madame! I can’t allow you to insult me or my staff in this way, now calm down or I’ll have to ….. (thinking what on earth he could do) .. call security.
OLD WOMAN:
Good! They can rescue me from my stupid kidnapper.
CONSULTANT:
You haven’t been kidnapped, this is Accident and Emergency, you fell over and hurt your knee, and were brought here in an ambulance. Now, I need to examine you, so could you please put your tongue out for me.
OLD WOMAN:
I’m not doing that!
CONSULTANT:
(Exhausted) Why not?
OLD WOMAN:
It’s RUDE!
CONSULTANT:
… I know it is, but I need to take your temperature.
OLD WOMAN:
Can’t you even take my temperature, fool, .. you’re useless, .. worse than useless! (Calling out) Send me another nurse.
CONSULTANT:
I’M NOT … (calming down again) .. a nurse, I’m a consultant!
OLD WOMAN:
Well, you’d better consult a nurse, because you don’t even know what you’re doing!!
CONSULTANT:
Do you know what? I think I agree with you for once! (calling out) Nurse Jackson, please come and take over this patient, thank you. Good evening madam, I really hope you feel better soon! (exits)
OLD WOMAN:
I’ll feel a lot better when you get me a proper nurse! Off you go, nursey, you can go now, go on, off you go, goodbye!
CONSULTANT:
(Grimacing with anger … through his teeth) Good night madam!!
OLD WOMAN:
(Laughing like a witch) Ahahahaha! Now, who’s next???
