(going through script, sits behind desk) Suddenly the phone rings.
(Picks up phone into phone) Hello? Ah, ey, babe, great. Hey, would I lie to you? No way Yeah, I've been looking at this script. It looks good..Real good. Full of action, I have just the person in mind for the part of that crazy cat burglar. I know, I know. The title role is going to Clint or Bobbie. Hey no problem. Don't worry. I really think I’ve found the right person for the part of the cat burglar.. Right. No. Let me see how it goes. Yes, I will call you pronto. OK. Ciao, baby.
(hangs up) Look at this script? ‘The Psycho Cat Burglar Two’. What a title. Action shootouts, car chases. Just what audiences love. I’ll make millions on this one just like I made on ‘Psycho Cat Burglar One’.
(gets up and walks to Front of stage) I’ll film the interiors in Hollywood, then to San Francisco and New York for the location shots.

(sticks gun in DIRECTOR's back) Stick em up!

(drops script and puts hands in air) Don't shoot?

Shut up.

My lips are sealed!

(screams crazily) Shut up! Shut up! Or I'll . . I'll shoot!

Right! I'm totally silent!

(acting very nervous - paces) Good. You scream, and I'll ... fill ya full of lead?

Huh?

That's movie talk. Right?

Right.

(acts very nervous, hopping around, pacing, waving the gun throughout the play) OK. Now turn around very slowly.

(turning around very slowly, hands still in air) OK. But don’t shoot, I have a family to support.

So do I.

Really?

Really. And these days it's not easy to feed five hungry mouths.

You have five kids?

Kids? No. Dogs. Dobermans. They eat like lions.

(about to lower hands) I know what you mean..

(pointing gun at DIRECTOR’s nose nervously, touching it) What are you doing?

Lowering my hands. Is that OK?

(hopping around nervously) No, no, no! It’s not OK! It's bad! I hate that!

(shooting hands back into air) OK! OK! Relax.

Just don't make any funny moves, or I’ll fill ya full of lead. This is a Magnum 44, the most powerful handgun in the world, and it can shoot through trucks! Big trucks!

Just my phone. Can I get it?

(trying to decide as the phone rings) Er? .. ooh?

I promise I won't say anything. OK?

(putting gun to DIRECTOR’s head) Just one wrong word and I .... I’ll ...

Fill me me full of lead?

Exactly. Not a word.

(walks over to the phone and picks it up) Hello?

(pushes DIRECTOR aside and tears the phone out of the wall and tosses it out the window then puts the gun to DIRECTOR's head) Easy. Easy. What did I do?
(screaming) You said ‘hello’!

Right. I just said ‘hello’.

Well I don’t like the way you said it!

Oh, boy. I've got a loony in my office with a gun.

(rifles through scripts on desk) Hey, careful with that script, it’s my only copy.
Oh, yeah? What's it for? One of those crummy movies you keep making about nutty cat burglars who use big guns to … you know.

How'd you guess?

(really crazy, and pacing) I knew it! I knew it! You make us all look bad! (very crazy) We’re not all crazy maniacs, you know!

Oh, yeah, sure! Hey, look at you.

Yeah? What about me?

I bet you're a wonderful person. (trying to lower hands) Right? I bet you love to play Trivial Pursuit.

(puts gun to DIRECTOR’s nose) I hate that stupid game! I always lose! And there you go again. I don't like when you do that..

Do what?

(screaming) Put those bands up! Fast!

(putting his hands in air real, quick) OK? They’re up!. See?

Keep 'em that way.

I'll try. But they are getting tired.

I thought you'd say that. Just remember this gun can

Shoot through trucks?

(looking around) Big trucks! I know it's around here somewhere.

Can I help you? What are you looking for?

(stopping to point the gun at the DIRECTOR screams) HEY! Who gave you permission to talk? Huh? I know I didn't. Now did I? (pushes gun into the cheek of DIRECTOR) Did I? Did I?

No.

I knew I didn't. Now.. where is it?

Where is what?

You know! Don't act so dumb! You know darn well where it is!

Money? I can give you money I have lots of money!

Money? Really? Is that what you think I want? Money?

It’s not?

No it's not! Boy you're all alike. Money? Now what would I do with money?

I ... I just thought. you being a ….

(aiming the gun at him) Yeah ... a what?

Well ... you being ... or having a gun and ..

Oh! I get it! You were going to say me having a gun and being a quote 'looney cat burglar’, I'd want money to buy bullets that shoot through trucks. Boy, some people are really weird.

Hey, tell me about it. You meet them every day out here in Hollywood. Like today.

You calling me weird? Huh? Just because I like to dress in black and, wear a ski mask? Is that supposed to make me weird?

Hey. No way. You seem like a swell person to me.

Yeah, you’re just saying that because I have this Cannon. Did I tell you it can shoot through trucks?

As a matter of fact, you did.

Good. Because it can. And I love shooting through trucks.

I love cats.

(screams) CATS! I hate cats? They're all weird! (pointing gun at DIRECTOR) Right?

Yes! You're absolutely correct! Cats are weird!

See! I told you they were.

You're absolutely right. Listen, can I ask you a favor?

A favor? Like what?

Well, my arms are really getting very tired. Can I put them down?

Sure, but I'll ... you know what.

Forget I even mentioned it. I’ll keep them up..

Good idea.. Wait?

(sits back in chair ready to be blown away) Don't shoot!

(reaching in pocket) No, no . I just remembered. I have these handcuffs I took off this ..er ... police person.

You robbed a police officer?

Who told you that?

Y..you did.

Well .. I lied! I got them at a ... a magic shop?

OK. I believe you. You got them at a magic shop. A lot of people do that. Nearly everyone I know has a pair of handcuffs that they bought at a magic shop. Hey, it's Hollywood. That's show biz. Right?

Right. Put out your hands.

What?

Now handcuff yourself to that chair. And one false move and it’s curtains.

Curtains?

Yeah. Curtains. Isn't that what Cagney and Bogart said in all their movies?

(handcuffing self to chair) Right. Many times.

And don't you forget it. Cagney and Bogie were real stars, They knew what it was like to be real crazy, not like the wimps you put on the screen today.

I fully agree.

You're just saying that because you're afraid I'll plug ya with my gat.

Right. Yes. Of course. A gat.

(pacing nervously) Yeah, right. So where is it? Huh? Where’d you hide it?

Hide what?

Yon know what I mean! (goes to filing cabinet Stage Left and begins pulling out papers, tossing them about.) Where is it? I know it's here somewhere? It's got to be!

If you'd just tell me what it is you're after, I'll tell you where it is.

Oh, sure, sure. That ... that would be too easy.

I think it only fair to warn you that I have someone coming to audition for a part in my next movie.

Another one of those crazy cat burglar pictures? Hmm!!??

Well ...

(hopping mad, waves gun wildly around, screams) I knew it! I knew it! You make us all look like cray, wild, maniacs! I hate That! (holds gun with both hands and gets into firing position, aiming at DIRECTOR.) I ought to …..

Oh, no! No! Don't do that! Please don't shoot!

Then shut up and tell me where it is!

Where is what?

(goes over to other filing cabinet and tosses the files) I know it's around here somewhere. Where is it?!

What? What?

lt! (stops and grabs DIRECTOR's hair and puts gun in DIRECTOR's mouth.) Oh I get it! Trying to hold out on me, eh? Is that it? Hhmnm.? You know what I do to rats who hold out on me?

(mumbling with gun in mouth) Nanum.

What did you say??!!

I said, .. no.

Well, I’ll tell you what I do to rats who hold out on me. (screaming) I air condition 'em!

Excellent idea.

(pointing gun in DIRECTOR’s nose) It's only fair. Right? Am I right? Or do you think I’m just crazy?

Yes.

Yes, I'm crazy, or, yes I'm right?

Yes, you’re ...

What?

You're right.

(pushing DIRECTOR out from behind desk) You know what, you’re funny! (begins to throw papers from the desk drawers around. Screams) Where is it?! Where is it?

That person is going to be here pretty soon for that audition.

Yeah, so?

So I don't want anyone to get hurt.

You afraid of a little bloodshed?

I just don't want anyone to get shot. Including you.

What is this actor? A copper? The rat got a rod? Huh? Is that it?

No, no. But you might get nervous and shoot.

Yep. I often do that.

Terrific.

Yep. I love my rod, my gat. It's man's best friend next to his dogs. Did I tell you I have dogs?

Yes, you did, and I have cats.

CATS!! I hate cats?

Yes. And you're right in hating them. Cats are shifty little creeps that sneak up on you from behind just like ...

(pointing gun at him) Like me? Is that what you were going to say?

NO, NO! Really, I think you’re ... you're ...

A nut? A mad cat burglar? Bananas?! Is that it?

Not at all. Hey, I’m sure that underneath that . .. . that

Demented exterior?

No I was going to say that underneath those ... black clothes and that ... nifty looking ski mask you're probably one of the nicest people you'd ever want to meet. Right?

Nope.

Nno?

Nope. Actually I'm a crazy cat burglar.

Terrific.

No. It's not terrific. But it's what I do best. Hey, it's a living. Right?

(not so sure) I guess.

You don’t sound so sure. (puts gun in DIRECTOR's face) Are you sure or are 't you?

I'm positive. Positive!

(on the floor, tossing papers around) Where is it? Where is it? ..

I know! You're looking for Jewels!

(getting up) What?

Sure. All you cat burglars are after jewels, correct?

No. You're absolutely incorrect. (looking through scripts and tossing them around.) I know it's here somewhere.

(looking at watch) Look. That person will be here any minute now for that audition. You better just take what you're looking for and get away while the getting is good.

Very good. Are those lines from one of your crummy scripts? One of those where the rogue cop points his .44 magnum at the crazed cat burglar (points his gun at DIRECTOR) and says make my day? Is that it?

Well ...

(hopping around like a nut, jumps on desk, kicks scripts off and screams) I knew it! You hate me! You think we're all crazy! Right! You think we are all raving maniacs! Lunatics! Is that it?

Hey, it’s Hollywood. Some of my best friends are lunatics.

(starts to lower gun) Very good! You're all right (quickly raises his gun and points it at DIRECTOR) for a two bit Hollywood director.

Thank you.

You're welcome. (jumps off desk and looks all over floor for something, first tossing one script aside then another one.) Where is it? Where!

Can I help you? (CAT BURGLAR points gun at DIRECTOR)
Hey, OK. No problem.

(finally finds the script he’s been looking for) Found it!

You found it? You mean you were looking for a script?

Not just any script. This script!

What script is that?

“The Psycho Cat Burglar Two” !! I thought you didn't make films about nutty eat burglars! You promised me! You swore! (screams as he jumps up and down in a tantrum) Liar! Liar! You’re pants are on fire!

Look! Look! I don't know how that script got in there! Really!

You're just saying that so I won't . . . you know!

No! No! I swear!

(paging through script to end) See! It's right here in black and white! ‘The crazy cat burglar aims gun at (aims guns at DIRECTOR’s head) at rogue cop's head and ..’

(screams) Don't shoot!

(pulls off ski mask and laughs) So ... do I get the part or not?

(looks at CAT BURGLAR) What?

What d'you think? How'd I do?

Wait a minute! Release me from these handcuffs.

(does.) You crazy looneybird. Are you the actor who was coming in today to audition for the part of the cat burglar?!
Yep. That's me. (puts hand out to shake, DIRECTOR shakes it weakly.) So was I convincing enough?

Well ... actually I was, thinking of someone else for the part.

(pointing gun at DIRECTOR) What?

Don't shoot! (ducking) I was just mulling it over.

I hate that!

Well just don't shoot! We still have a part for you! And please stop waving that gun in my face!

(laughs) Hey. Relax.. It's only a water pistol. (shoots water into mouth) See?

A water pistol?

Of course. I hate guns. So what's this other part you've got for me?

Well, there's this wonderful character role. Can you play a sadistic dentist? I mean a really, really sadistic dentist?

Sure! (pulls a white coat out of bag and a dentist mirror, runs over to DIRECTOR, leans DIRECTOR back in chair) Say awwwww! (Lights go out as we hear sound of screaming)