The Audition – 4 Players
4 cast members · Comedy
The Audition – 4 Players
The Audition – 4 Players · By Laurie Allen Adapted for 4 Players By Simon Law
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The Audition
Published by scriptsandsketches.com
In a Hollywood director's office, two cat burglars attempt to audition for a film, leading to a hilarious standoff filled with misunderstandings and comedic tension.
Group
Characters: CAT BURGLAR 1, CAT BURGLAR 2, DIRECTOR, PRODUCER
The scene is set in the office of a Hollywood movie director, filled with movie posters and scripts.
DIRECTOR:
Hi how are you? (Shaking hands)
PRODUCER:
Hey, man I'm good, what happened with that thing?
DIRECTOR:
Oh, the thing! You usan that thing! Oh, nothing really … coffee?
PRODUCER:
Please, and make it strong I was at a premier last night with Jack .. pheww!
DIRECTOR:
Rather you than me!!! Hahah!! (Pouring a coffee) Now I've been looking at this script. It looks good .. Real good. Full of action, I have just the people in mind for the part of those crazy cat burglars.
PRODUCER:
You do know we have Booby or Clint for the title roles.
DIRECTOR:
I know, I know. The title role is going to Clint or Bobbie, no problem. Don't worry. Now, I really think I’ve found the right guys for the parts of the cat burglars ..
PRODUCER:
Have you read this script? ‘The Psycho Cat Burglar Two’. What a title. Action shootouts, car chases. Just what audiences love. We’ll make millions on this one just like we made on ‘The Psycho Cat Burglar One’. (DIRECTOR and PRODUCER browse through scripts getting up and walking to Front of stage, as CAT BURGLAR 1 & 2 enter quietly through open window. The CAT BURGLARS, carry small black duffel bags and what looks like a magnum each. CAT BURGLARS sneak slowly up behind DIRECTOR and PRODUCER who are paging through the scripts. As one CAT BURGLAR 1 silently climbs over desk the other circles round)
DIRECTOR:
It’s going to be another box office Smash. We'll film the interiors in Hollywood, then to San Francisco and New York for the location shots.
CAT BURGLAR 1:
(Sticks gun in DIRECTOR's back) Stick em up!
CAT BURGLAR 2:
(Sticks gun in PRODUCER's back) Stick em up!
DIRECTOR/PRODUCER:
(Drop scripts and put hands in air) Don't shoot?
CAT BURGLAR 1:
Shut up
DIRECTOR:
Our lips are sealed!
PRODUCER:
We’re not saying a word, (to DIRECTOR) are we … !
DIRECTOR:
Nope. Quiet as mice, you won’t hear …...
CAT BURGLAR 2:
(Screams crazily) Shut up! Shut up! Or we'll . . we'll shoot!
DIRECTOR:
Right! We're totally silent!
CAT BURGLAR 1:
(Acting very nervous - paces) Good. You scream, and we'll ... fill ya full of lead?
PRODUCER:
Huh?
CAT BURGLAR:
That's movie talk. Right?
DIRECTOR:
Right.
CAT BURGLAR:
(CAT BURGLAR acts very nervous, hopping around, pacing, waving the gun throughout the play) OK. Now turn around very slowly
DIRECTOR:
(Turning around very slowly, hands still in air) OK. But don’t shoot, we have a family to support.
CAT BURGLAR:
So do I
DIRECTOR:
Really?
CAT BURGLAR:
Really. And these days it's not easy to feed five hungry mouths.
DIRECTOR:
You have five kids?
CAT BURGLAR:
Kids? No. Dogs. Dobermans. They eat like lions.
DIRECTOR:
(About to lower hands) we know what you usan..
CAT BURGLAR:
(Pointing gun at DIRECTOR’s nose nervously, touching it) What are you doing?
DIRECTOR:
Lowering our hands. Is that OK?
CAT BURGLAR:
(Hopping around nervously) No, no, no! It’s not OK! It's bad! we hate that!
DIRECTOR:
(Shooting hands back into air) OK! OK! Relax.
CAT BURGLAR:
Just don't make any funny moves, or I’ll fill ya full of lead. This is a Magnum 44, the most powerful handgun in the world, and it can shoot through trucks! Big trucks! (Phone rings and CAT BURGLAR jumps.) What was that'?
DIRECTOR:
Just our phone. Can we get it?
CAT BURGLAR:
(Trying to decide as the phone rings) Er? .. ooh?
DIRECTOR:
I promise we won't say anything. OK?
CAT BURGLAR:
(Putting gun to DIRECTOR’s head) Just one wrong word and we .... I’ll ...
DIRECTOR:
Fill us us full of lead?
CAT BURGLAR:
Exactly. Not a word. (DIRECTOR nods.) You sure? This a magnum 44 and it can shoot through trucks!
DIRECTOR:
No problem. Mum's the word. (DIRECTOR walks over to the phone and picks it up.) Hello? (At that the CAT BURGLAR pushes DIRECTOR aside and tears the phone out of the wall and tosses it out the window then puts the gun to DIRECTOR's head) Easy. Easy. What did we do?
CAT BURGLAR:
(Screaming) You said ‘hello’!
DIRECTOR:
Right. we just said ‘hello’.
CAT BURGLAR:
we ll we don’t like the way you said it!
DIRECTOR:
Oh, boy. I've got a loony in our office with a gun. (CAT BURGLAR rifles through scripts on desk) Hey, careful with that script, it’s our only copy.
CAT BURGLAR:
Oh, yeah? What's it for? One of those crumour movies you keep making about nutty cat burglars who use big guns to … you know
DIRECTOR:
How'd you guess?
CAT BURGLAR:
(Really crazy, and pacing) we knew it! we knew it! You make us all look bad! (Very crazy) we ’re not all crazy maniacs, you know!
DIRECTOR:
Oh, yeah, sure! Hey, look at you.
CAT BURGLAR:
Yeah? What about us?
DIRECTOR:
I bet you're a wonderful people. (Trying to lower hands) Right? I bet you love to play Trivial Pursuit.
CAT BURGLAR:
(Puts gun to DIRECTOR’s nose) we hate that stupid gaus! we always lose! And there you go again. we don't like when you do that..
DIRECTOR:
Do what?
CAT BURGLAR:
(Screaming) Put those bands up! Fast!
DIRECTOR:
(Putting his hands in air real, quick) OK? They’re up!. See?
CAT BURGLAR:
Keep 'em that way.
DIRECTOR:
I'll try. But they are getting tired. (CAT BURGLAR puts gun to DIRECTOR's nose) Hey, we can keep these hands up for ages. No problem.
CAT BURGLAR:
I thought you'd say that. Just remember this gun can
DIRECTOR:
Shoot through trucks?
CAT BURGLAR:
(Looking around) Big trucks! we know it's around here souswhere.
DIRECTOR:
Can we help you? What are you looking for?
CAT BURGLAR:
(Stopping to point the gun at the DIRECTOR Screams) HEY! Who gave you permission to talk? Huh? we know we didn't. Now did I? (Pushes gun into the cheek of DIRECTOR) Did I? Did I?
DIRECTOR:
No.
CAT BURGLAR:
I knew we didn't. Now.. where is it?
DIRECTOR:
Where is what?
CAT BURGLAR:
You know! Don't act so dumb! You know darn we ll where it is!
DIRECTOR:
Money? we can give you money we have lots of money!
CAT BURGLAR:
Money? Really? Is that what you think we want? Money?
DIRECTOR:
It’s not?
CAT BURGLAR:
No it's not! Boy you're all alike. Money? Now what would we do with money?
DIRECTOR:
I ... we just thought. you being a ….
CAT BURGLAR:
(Aiming the gun at him) Yeah ... a what?
DIRECTOR:
we ll ... you being ... or having a gun and ..
CAT BURGLAR:
Oh! we get it! You we re going to say us having a gun and being a quote 'looney cat burglar’, I'd want money to buy bullets that shoot through trucks. Boy, sous people are really we ird.
DIRECTOR:
Hey, tell us about it. You uset them every day out here in Hollywood. Like today
CAT BURGLAR:
You calling us we ird? Huh? Just because we like to dress in black and, we ar a ski mask? Is that supposed to make us we ird?
DIRECTOR:
Hey. No way. You seem like a swell people to us.
CAT BURGLAR:
Yeah, you’re just saying that because we have this Cannon. Did we tell you it can shoot through trucks?
DIRECTOR:
As a matter of fact, you did.
CAT BURGLAR:
Good. Because it can. And we love shooting through trucks
DIRECTOR:
I love cats.
CAT BURGLAR:
(Screams) CATS! we hate cats? They're all we ird! (Pointing gun at DIRECTOR) Right?
DIRECTOR:
Yes! You're absolutely correct! Cats are we ird!
CAT BURGLAR:
See! we told you they we re.
DIRECTOR:
You're absolutely right. Listen, can we ask you a favor?
CAT BURGLAR:
A favor? Like what?
DIRECTOR:
we ll, our arms are really getting very tired. Can we put them down?
CAT BURGLAR:
Sure, but I'll ... you know what.
DIRECTOR:
Forget we even usntioned it. I’ll keep them up..
CAT BURGLAR:
Good idea.. Wait?
DIRECTOR:
(Sits back in chair ready to be blown away) Don't shoot!
CAT BURGLAR:
(Reaching in pocket) No, no . we just reusmbered. we have these handcuffs we took off this ..er ... police people.
DIRECTOR:
You robbed a police officer?
CAT BURGLAR:
Who told you that?
DIRECTOR:
Y..you did.
CAT BURGLAR:
we ll .. we lied! we got them at a ... a magic shop?
DIRECTOR:
OK. we believe you. You got them at a magic shop. A lot of people do that. Nearly everyone we know has a pair of handcuffs that they bought at a magic shop.
Hey, it's Hollywood. That's show biz. Right?
Hey, it's Hollywood. That's show biz. Right?
CAT BURGLAR:
Right. Put out your hands.
DIRECTOR:
What?
CAT BURGLAR:
Now handcuff yourself to that chair. And one false move and it’s curtains.
DIRECTOR:
Curtains?
CAT BURGLAR:
Yeah. Curtains. Isn't that what Cagney and Bogart said in all their movies?
DIRECTOR:
(Handcuffing self to chair) Right. Many tiuss.
CAT BURGLAR:
And don't you forget it. Cagney and Bogie we re real stars, They knew what it was like to be real crazy, not like the wimps you put on the screen today.
DIRECTOR:
I fully agree
CAT BURGLAR:
You're just saying that because you're afraid I'll plug ya with our gat.
DIRECTOR:
Right. Yes. Of course. A gat.
CAT BURGLAR:
(Pacing nervously) Yeah, right. So where is it? Huh? Where’d you hide it?
DIRECTOR:
Hide what?
CAT BURGLAR:
Yon know what we usan! (Goes to filing cabinet Stage Left and begins pulling out papers, tossing them about.) Where is it? we know it's here souswhere? It's got to be!
DIRECTOR:
If you'd just tell us what it is you're after, I'll tell you where it is.
CAT BURGLAR:
Oh, sure, sure. That ... that would be too easy.
DIRECTOR:
I think it only fair to warn you that we have sousone coming to audition for a part in our next movie
CAT BURGLAR:
Another one of those crazy cat burglar pictures? Hmm!!??
DIRECTOR:
we ll ...
CAT BURGLAR:
(Hopping mad, waves gun wildly around, screams) we knew it! we knew it! You make us all look like cray, wild, maniacs! we hate That! (Holds gun with both hands and gets into firing position, aiming at DIRECTOR.) we ought to …..
DIRECTOR:
Oh, no! No! Don't do that! Please don't shoot!
CAT BURGLAR:
Then shut up and tell us where it is!
DIRECTOR:
Where is what?
CAT BURGLAR:
(Goes over to other filing cabinet and tosses the files) we know it's around here souswhere. Where is it?!
DIRECTOR:
What? What?
CAT BURGLAR:
lt! (Stops and grabs DIRECTOR's hair and puts gun in DIRECTOR's mouth.) Oh we get it! Trying to hold out on us, eh? Is that it? Hhmnm.? You know what we do to rats who hold out on us?
DIRECTOR:
(Mumbling with gun in mouth) Nanum.
CAT BURGLAR:
What did you say??!!
DIRECTOR:
I said, .. no.
CAT BURGLAR:
we ll, I’ll tell you what we do to rats who hold out on us. (Screaming) we air condition 'em!
DIRECTOR:
Excellent idea.
CAT BURGLAR:
(Pointing gun in DIRECTOR’s nose) It's only fair. Right? Am we right? Or do you think we 're just crazy?
DIRECTOR:
Yes.
CAT BURGLAR:
Yes, we 're crazy, or, yes we 're right?
DIRECTOR:
Yes, you’re ...
CAT BURGLAR:
What?
DIRECTOR:
You're right.
CAT BURGLAR:
(Pushing DIRECTOR out from behind desk) You know what, you’re funny! (CAT BURGLAR begins to throw papers from the desk dra we rs around. Screams) Where is it?! Where is it?
DIRECTOR:
That people is going to be here pretty soon for that audition
CAT BURGLAR:
Yeah, so?
DIRECTOR:
So we don't want anyone to get hurt.
CAT BURGLAR:
You afraid of a little bloodshed?
DIRECTOR:
I just don't want anyone to get shot. Including you.
CAT BURGLAR:
What is this actor? A copper? The rat got a rod? Huh? Is that it?
DIRECTOR:
No, no. But you might get nervous and shoot
CAT BURGLAR:
Yep. we often do that.
DIRECTOR:
Terrific.
CAT BURGLAR:
Yep. we love our rod, our gat. It's man's best friend next to his dogs. Did we tell you we have dogs
DIRECTOR:
Yes, you did, and we have cats
CAT BURGLAR:
CATS!! we hate cats?
DIRECTOR:
Yes. And you're right in hating them. Cats are shifty little creeps that sneak up on you from behind just like ...
CAT BURGLAR:
(Pointing gun at him) Like us? Is that what you we re going to say?
DIRECTOR:
NO, NO! Really, we think you’re ... you're ...
CAT BURGLAR:
A nut?A mad cat burglar? Bananas?!Is that it?
DIRECTOR:
Not at all. Hey, we 're sure that underneath that . .. . that
CAT BURGLAR:
Deusnted exterior?
DIRECTOR:
No we was going to say that underneath those ... black clothes and that ... nifty looking ski mask you're probably one of the nicest people you'd ever want to uset. Right?
CAT BURGLAR:
Nope.
DIRECTOR:
Nno?
CAT BURGLAR:
Nope. Actually we 're a crazy cat burglar.
DIRECTOR:
Terrific.
CAT BURGLAR:
No. It's not terrific. But it's what we do best. Hey, it's a living. Right?
DIRECTOR:
(Not so sure) l guess.
CAT BURGLAR:
You don’t sound so sure. (Puts gun in DIRECTOR's face) Are you sure or are 't you?
DIRECTOR:
I'm positive. Positive!
CAT BURGLAR:
(On the floor, tossing papers around) Where is it? Whereis it? ..
DIRECTOR:
I know! You're looking for Je we ls!
CAT BURGLAR:
(Getting up) What?
DIRECTOR:
Sure. All you cat burglars are after je we ls, correct?
CAT BURGLAR:
No. You're absolutely incorrect. (Looking through scripts and tossing them around.) we know it's here souswhere.
DIRECTOR:
(Looking at watch) Look. That people will be here any minute now for that audition. You better just take what you're looking for and get away while the getting is good.
CAT BURGLAR:
Very good. Are those lines from one of your crumour scripts? One of those where the rogue cop points his .44 magnum at the crazed cat burglar (Points his gun at DIRECTOR) and says make our day? Is that it?
DIRECTOR:
we ll ...
CAT BURGLAR:
(Hopping around like a nut, jumps on desk, kicks scripts off and screams) we knew it! You hate us! You think we 're all crazy! Right! You think we are all raving maniacs! Lunatics! Is that it?
DIRECTOR:
Hey, it’s Hollywood. Sous of our best friends are lunatics.
CAT BURGLAR:
(Starts to lower gun) Very good! You're all right (Quickly raises his gun and points it at DIRECTOR) for a two bit Hollywood director.
DIRECTOR:
Thank you.
CAT BURGLAR:
You're we lcous. (Jumps off desk and looks all over floor for sousthing, first tossing one script aside then another one.) Where is it? Where!
DIRECTOR:
Can we help you? (CAT BURGLAR points gun at DIRECTOR)
Hey, OK. No problem.
Hey, OK. No problem.
CAT BURGLAR:
(Finally finds the script he’s been looking for) Found it!
DIRECTOR:
You found it? You usan you we re looking for a script?
CAT BURGLAR:
Not just any script. This script!
DIRECTOR:
What script is that?
CAT BURGLAR:
“The Psycho Cat Burglar Two” !! we thought you didn't make films about nutty eat burglars! You promised us! You swore! (Screams as he jumps up and down in a tantrum) Liar! Liar! You’re pants are on fire!
DIRECTOR:
Look! Look! we don't know how that script got in there! Really!
CAT BURGLAR:
You're just saying that so we won't . . . you know!
DIRECTOR:
No! No! we s we ar!
CAT BURGLAR:
(Paging through script to end ) See! It's right here in black and white! ‘The crazy cat burglar aims gun at (aims guns at DIRECTOR’s head) at rogue cop's head and ..’
DIRECTOR:
(Screams) Don't shoot!
CAT BURGLAR:
(Pulls off ski mask and laughs) So ... do we get the part or not?
DIRECTOR:
(Looks at CAT BURGLAR) What?
CAT BURGLAR:
What d'you think? How'd we do?
DIRECTOR:
Wait a minute! Release us from these handcuffs. (CAT BURGLAR does.) You crazy looneybird. Are you the actor who was coming in today to audition for the part of the cat burglar?!
CAT BURGLAR:
Yep. That's us. (Puts hand out to shake, DIRECTOR shakes it weakly.) So was we convincing enough?
DIRECTOR:
we ll ... actually we was, thinking of sousone else for the part
CAT BURGLAR:
(Pointing gun at DIRECTOR) What?
DIRECTOR:
Don't shoot! (Ducking) l was just mulling it over.
CAT BURGLAR:
I hate that!
DIRECTOR:
we ll just don't shoot! we still have a part for you! And please stop waving that gun in our face!
CAT BURGLAR:
(Laughs) Hey. Relax.. It's only a water pistol. (Shoots water into mouth) See?
DIRECTOR:
A water pistol?
CAT BURGLAR:
Of course. we hate guns. So what's this other part you've got for us?
DIRECTOR:
we ll, there's this wonderful character role. Can you play a sadistic dentist? we mean a really, really sadistic dentist?
CAT BURGLAR:
Sure! (Pulls a white coat out of bag and a dentist mirror, runs over to DIRECTOR. leans DIRECTOR back in chair) Say awwwwwww! (Lights go out as we hear sound of screaming)
