A Table With A View
Two-hander · Comedy
A Table With A View
A Table With A View · Simon Law
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A Table With A View
Published by scriptsandsketches.com
Mrs Wot has booked a table with a view, but her experience at the restaurant takes a comical turn as she clashes with the waiter/waitress over her expectations.
Duologue
Characters: MRS WOT, WAITER/WAITRESS
Mrs Wot has booked a table with a view at a restaurant in the centre of Southsea, in Portsmouth.
MRS WOT:
(Walks into the restaurant and sits at a table)
WAITER/WAITRESS:
Hello Madam, I’m afraid you can’t sit there, this table’s reserved, I can sit you over there if you’d like.
MRS WOT:
Hmf! (Shrugs)
WAITER/WAITRESS:
We’re very busy madam, did you make a reservation?
MRS WOT:
(Taps her hearing aid) Pardon, speak up young lady/man!
WAITER/WAITRESS:
DID YOU MAKE A RESERVATION?
MRS WOT:
(Reacts) There’s no need to shout, I‘m not deaf!! Of course I made a reservation
WAITER/WAITRESS:
(Speaking in a loud voice) And what time was that for madam?
MRS WOT:
What?
WAITER/WAITRESS:
(Even louder and in Mrs Wot’s ear) What time did you make the reservation for madam?
MRS WOT:
One o’clock, it’s now five past. Where is my table, why haven’t you got it ready?
WAITER/WAITRESS:
I’m sure we have your table ready for you. It's just not this one, this one’s for 6 people, can I have your name please?
MRS WOT:
Wot.
WAITER/WAITRESS:
Can I please have your name?
MRS WOT:
I’ve just told you, and I don’t make a habit of repeating myself, I was a school teacher, and my students always listened to me and ….
WAITER/WAITRESS:
Look, just please tell me your name so I can find out where your table is.
MRS WOT:
WOT! ... WOT! You stupid boy/girl
WAITER/WAITRESS:
Do you by any chance wear a hearing aid madam?
MRS WOT:
Yes I do, what’s that got to do with anything?
WAITER/WAITRESS:
I don’t mean to be disrespectful, but ... is it turned on?
MRS WOT:
(Pulling a strained face) What?
WAITER/WAITRESS:
IS YOUR HEARING AID TURNED ON?
MRS WOT:
(Grumpily) No, I don’t use it.
WAITER/WAITRESS:
Why not?
MRS WOT:
The battery runs out. Now then where’s my table? My name is Mrs Wot and I booked at one o’clock, it’s now ten past and I still haven’t seen a menu!!
WAITER/WAITRESS:
Ahhh, (realising ‘Wot’ is her name) Mrs Wot, (looking at reservations) yes, I have you now, this table by the window is yours. (MRS WOT moves to other table WAITER/WAITRESS: gives her a menu)
MRS WOT:
(Walking slowly over to the table and muttering to herself) And about time too, I’ve half a mind to complain, dreadful service.
WATER/WAITRESS:
(Shows her the table and puts a napkin on her lap, then gives her a menu) Drink madam?
MRS WOT:
What’s this?
WATER/WAITRESS:
It’s the menu madam
MRS WOT:
Not this (waving the menu) you idiot, THIS! (Points out of the window)
WATER/WAITRESS:
I’m sorry madam I ……..
MRS WOT:
Well?
WATER/WAITRESS:
I’m sorry … I … er … ?
MRS WOT:
I specifically ordered a table with a view … where is it??
WATER/WAITRESS:
This is a table with a view madam! Look! (Pointing outside)
MRS WOT:
Well it’s not good enough!
WATER/WAITRESS:
(Sarcastically) Oh, I’m sorry madam, but what exactly were you expecting to see from a restaurant in the centre of Southsea? .. The Sydney Opera House perhaps, the hanging gardens of Babylon, herds of wildebeest sweeping majestically across ….
MRS WOT:
Don’t be silly. I expect to at least see the sea!
WATER/WAITRESS:
(Getting irritated) You can see the sea, it’s over there between the land and the sky.
MRS WOT:
Now listen to me. I’m not satisfied, but I’ve decided to eat here anyway, but I shall expect a reduction!
WAITER/WAITRESS:
Why because Krakatoa isn’t erupting at the moment?? Or maybe ….
MRS WOT:
Because the table hasn’t got a view, I’ve been waiting for 15 minutes to get a menu, and I still haven’t got a drink!
WATER/WAITRESS:
(Speaking in a quiet voice) Give me strength!
MRS WOT:
What?
WATER/WAITRESS:
I said, I’ll see if I can knock off 10%
MRS WOT:
Excellent!
WATER/WAITRESS:
(Aside) You heard that all right didn’t you, you silly old Bat! (Walks off shaking head)
MRS WOT:
What?
