The Play That Goes Wrong
7 cast members · Comedy
The Play That Goes Wrong
The Play That Goes Wrong · EMMA HUTCHINGS
1 / 1
The Play That Goes Wrong
Published by scriptsandsketches.com
In a chaotic theatre setting, the Corn Lee Polytechnic Drama Society presents an extract from their play, leading to hilarious mishaps and misunderstandings as they attempt to perform a murder mystery.
Ensemble
Characters: CHRIS BEAN, CARLY BEAN, TREVOR, SANDRA, ROSIE, MAX, CHARLES
The scene is set in a theatre where the Corn Lee Polytechnic Drama Society is about to present an extract from their play.
CHRIS BEAN:
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Please allow me to introduce myself. I am Chris Bean, the director of The Corn Lee Polytechnic Drama Society and this is my assistant..
CARLY BEAN:
CO- director
CHRIS BEAN:
Carly Bean
CARLY BEAN:
We are delighted to be presenting to you an extract from the murder at Haversham Manor, our CO-directoring debut.
CHRIS BEAN:
We are thrilled to be presenting this piece because as you can see we have managed to secure a much larger budget than usual so we will certainly be able to outshine our rather underfunded 2014 production of Roald Dahl's classic James and the Peach.
CARLY BEAN:
Of course, during the run of that particular show the peach went off, and we were forced to present a hastily devised alternative entitled James! Where’s your Peach?
CHRIS BEAN:
If we’re honest, a lack of numbers has hampered past productions,
CARLY BEAN:
Such as last Christmas’ The Lion and The Wardrobe…
CHRIS BEAN:
Or indeed our Summer Musical…
CARLY BEAN:
Cat
CHRIS BEAN:
So without further ado, onto…
TREVOR:
Sorry to interrupt, ‘STAFF ANNOUNCEMENT’ can all raspberry ripple ice creams be removed from sales after reports of intensive diarrhoea from last nights performance.
CHRIS BEAN:
And onto
TREVOR:
Oh also, a note from the Theatre Manager, If you are sat around ….here…. Mind your heads there is a loose light fitting right above you.
CHRIS BEAN:
And onto the main
TREVOR:
Sorry, final thing… has anybody seen a dog? He’s kind of crucial to the plot… no? Sally, get the ears- your on!
CHRIS BEAN:
And onto the main event. Please put your hands together- not yet!- for Susie H.K. Brideswell’s thrilling whodunit –
BOTH:
The Murder at Haversham Manor!!!
CHARLES (CHRIS BEAN): psst lights off… Lights off
(Realising the lights are remaining on he creeps to his dead position and lies down, dead, dramatically.)
FLORENCE (SANDRA): Charles!
THERESA (ROSIE): Florence, I’m sorry you have to see him like this
FLORENCE:
My fiancee! are you sure he's dead Theresa PERKINS THE BUTLER (CARLY BEAN): I'll take his pulse (Perkins places his hand on the body’s forehead. Charles moves Perkins hand to his neck pulse.)
PERKINS:
There's no question he's passed away
FLORENCE:
Charles gone!? what a horror! (Steps in front of the body dramatically, standing on the body’s hand in the process)
CHARLES:
(lets out an OW!’)
THERESA:
I’m dumbfounded, he was his right as rain an hour ago (Also steps in front of the body dramatically, standing on the body’s hand in the process)
CHARLES:
(lets out an ‘OW!’)
FLORENCE:
Why on earth would anyone murder him?
PERKINS:
He was so generous, kind, a true (reads off hand and mispronounces) philanthropist. He never had an enemy in his life.
FLORENCE:
Shall I telephone the police?
THERESA:
The police? They wouldn’t make it out here for days in this snowstorm. (Theresa opens the curtains to reveal falling paper snowflakes) No. I’ll telephone Inspector Carter, she lives just the other side of the village. She’ll be here in next to no time. Hand me the phone, Perkins. (She realises there is no phone. Improvises with Perkins own hand.) Thank you, Perkins. Good evening. Give me Inspector Carter... I know it’s late... I don’t care about the weather. Charles Haversham is dead!….Charles Haversham is dead!
TREVOR:
(Over the speakers.) Sound effect error on cue four…
THERESA:
Charles Haversham is dead!
ALL:
Dun dun dun!
FLORENCE:
Inspector Carter?
THERESA:
They say she’s the best inspector in the district, she’ll crack this case and quick.
PERKINS:
Very good, ma’am. CECIL enters. CECIL (MAX): Where is he? My brother Dead? It can’t be. He always tried to hide it but his depression must have finally overcome him.
It's true his smile was often merely a (reads off hand, mispronounces) facade
It's true his smile was often merely a (reads off hand, mispronounces) facade
CECIL:
Perkins is right, my brother was hiding a deep sense of melancholy and resentment. There’s no doubt in my mind; it was suicide.
THERESA:
Suicide, Mr Haversham? How can you say that! Of course not; it’s murder! Murder in the first degree!
CECIL:
Nonsense, the man was paranoid, jealous, and…
THERESA:
No need to squabble. We're sure to get to the bottom of this now that The Inspector has arrived (THE INSPECTORS CUE TO ENTER) …we are sure to get to the bottom of this now The Inspector has arrived
INSPECTOR:
What a terrible snowstorm! Good evening, I’m Inspector Carter. Take my case.
PERKINS:
Yes, Inspector.
INSPECTOR:
This must be Charles Haversham! I’m sorry; this must’ve given you all a shock.
THERESA:
It did, we’re all still reeling.
INSPECTOR:
Naturally. Are any of you the deceased’s immediate family?
CECIL:
I’m Cecil Haversham. I’m his brother.
FLORENCE:
(Smiling) I’m Florence Colleymoore. I’m his fiancé. Tonight was our engagement party.
INSPECTOR:
You all must be distraught, but forgive me, the sooner I can begin my enquiries, the sooner we can all get to the bottom of this ghastly business. Wait…what’s this? A note… (reading) Eggs, Milk, Toilet roll
FLORENCE:
Wait, that’s … er, my shopping list…here’s the right one
THE INSPECTOR:
My Poochykins, break a leg at the show tonight, I have a special…
THERESA:
Er, that’s mine… er sorry must be, THE INSPECTOR I was MURDERED! (waiting for the sound effect) THE INSPECTOR I was MURDERED!… pssst the gasp!
ALL CAST:
(remembering): oooooh
THE INSPECTOR:
(Sighing) I was MURDERED!
ALL CAST:
GASP!
INSPECTOR:
I believe this to be written by Charles as he was taking his final breaths.
FLORENCE:
No one could have killed him, except for the people who are in this room.
THERESA:
Good God, you’re right, it’s one of us!
ALL:
Gasp!
CECIL:
And look, the snowstorm outside is building. (As Trevor is on stage, they all pretend to make a snowstorm with their bodies and sounds)
FLORENCE:
If we’re not careful we’ll be snowed into this slaughterhouse. We must discover the guilty person.
INSPECTOR:
Indeed. Take the body upstairs immediately so I can examine it. PERKINS & THERESA: Yes Inspector (During the following dialogue, Perkins and Theresa go to lift the body, but cannot lift it. They struggle. In the end, they resort to pretending to carry the body off stage, whilst the body is left in the same position.)
CECIL:
Are there any ideas as to the cause of death Inspector?
INSPECTOR:
It could be a number of things: strangulation, suffocation, poison. Before fully examining the body I wouldn't like to say
FLORENCE:
How could someone do it?
INSPECTOR:
Try not to think about it Miss Colleymore. As soon as I’ve finished… upstairs… I will speak to everyone individually.
FLORENCE:
Thank you Inspector, this is all more than I can bear.
INSPECTOR:
I shall return presently… as soon as I have finished examining… the body.
CECIL:
Well thank God they’ve all gone.(The body of Charles Haversham leaves dramatically) …. thank God they’ve all-
THERESA:
I forgot the Inspector’s case … Now I have the Inspector’s case, I’ll be on my way.
CECIL:
… thank god they’ve all gone!
FLORENCE:
Oh Cecil, I can’t take it a moment longer, if they find out about our affair we’ll be suspects
CECIL:
You and I are having an affair, so what? It doesn't mean we killed him.
FLORENCE:
Of course not! But that's what the Inspector will think!
CECIL:
Oh Florence, Charles is dead. He can never come between us again. Now would you do me the honour of becoming my wife? Marry me!
FLORENCE:
Oh Cec… (The inspector barges in, knocking out Florence so she is lying lifeless on the ground.)
INSPECTOR:
It is confirmed! Cause of Death… Murder.
CECIL:
What's the matter Florence?… Calm down, stop shouting!
THERESA:
She's having one of her episodes. Snap out of it, you're hysterical.
INSPECTOR:
Miss Collymore, where are you going?
THERESA:
Come back here this instant! She’s run off, I’ll fetch her back.
DIRECTOR 1:
CUT TO BLACKOUT!! CUT TO BLACKOUT!!
DIRECTOR 2:
AND Ladies and Gentlemen, it is now the intervaL… NOT AT ALL unplanned or early…
DIRECTOR 1:
We hope to see you back for Act 2 of
BOTH:
The Murder at Haversham Manor
